Faithfulness

"You are faithful
You never turn or change
Jesus, You are faithful to the end

You are faithful
Jesus, You are faithful to the end"
-Matt Redman, "Through It All"

Pastor Jesse taught at Shift a few weeks ago as part of our progressive series on the Fruit of the Spirit. His message was on faithfulness. Faithfulness is an interesting concept that Jesse illustrated from the book of Daniel. Not the fiery furnace as I might have expected, but rather the very beginning part, where Daniel and his friends are first taken to Babylon. Not only were they taken from their families, their lives, and their homeland, even their names were taken away. Rather than the names their parents had given them, names that extolled the one true God, they were given names that meant things like "God hates me" and "God has abandoned me."

Even in such depressing circumstances, though, they remained faithful. If you remember, they were told to partake in a diet that was likely against God's commands. Away from all that was familiar, reminded of their despair every time someone called their name, in a circumstance where nobody would have faulted them for such a small compromise, they still chose to hold to their values. This is faithfulness.

One of our discussion questions asked if we doubted God's faithfulness. Though I've seen some dark things in my life and sometimes wondered where God was, I really don't doubt. Even in the darkest parts of life, God has always been there to rescue me and redeem the evil for good.

No, it's not God's faithfulness that I doubt. Rather it's my own that's constantly in question. Faithful? Sometimes. Sometimes I'm cognizant of God's path for my feet. Occasionally, I even recognize it early enough to ensure my feet stay on it. It seems that far more frequently, though, I'm off meandering around in some meadow somewhere rather than following the path. Either the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, I can't see the fence, or mostly I'm probably just not paying attention. Whatever the justification, "faithfulness" probably isn't one of the dominant characteristics of my life.

Jesse further showed that faithfulness is rewarded with influence. Not only did Daniel and his friends look better after a trial period of their desired diet,the king then elevated them to a high position. A position higher than all the other young men in the same "leadership track". I've seen parts of this truth in my life, so I don't dispute it. I do try my best (at least I think I do), but if the best I can do is still not super faithful, then what? I don't think that I seek influence as a defining goal of my life, but will I forever be the wishy-washy follower?

Weird.  Thought-provoking

As if to add insult to injury, that weekend Pastor Jim was preaching about the first disciples. He was talking about how they were probably much younger than we think probably high school sophomores. And there's a reason the Bible didn't say Jesus took students. Students want to know what the teacher knows. Disciples want to be who the rabbi is. Even Jim said he didn't know anyone who actually was striving to be who Jesus was. For a while I was really disappointed, because I couldn't think of any way I was trying to be like a homeless Jewish person who loved everyone and wandered the countryside telling people about God.  I'm not faithful in much. Now in my late 20's, I don't feel I've done much with my life, and don't look much like Jesus.

Jesse started with a verse from Ezekiel about God looking for even one person who would be faithful and not finding anyway.

"I looked for someone among them who would build up the wall and stand before me in the gap on behalf of the land so I would not have to destroy it, but I found no one." -Ezekiel 22:30, NIV

Although sounding much the opposite, this is an encouraging verse because it means that God's willing to work with the unfaithful. He's willing to start wherever you are.  That's good, because "where I am" often doesn't have much to say for itself.

What are you faithful to in your life? 

Who I Am

And we break and we burn
And we turn it inside out
To take it back to the start
And through the rise and falling apart
We discover who we are
- Lifehouse, "Who We Are"

Over the last year and a half, I've spent some time working on the "stuff" of my life.  One goal of that time has been coming to a better sense of who I am.  Not who I'm told to be or what the world wants to make me into, but who I am and who I am created to be.  On a scale of zero to amazeballs, I'd say I'm pretty sure of myself now and I'm actually a pretty big fan of myself, which was not necessarily true before.

I've noticed that once "who I am" is sorted out, it also sorts out the areas outside my boundaries ("who I'm not") and the areas inside my boundaries but outside my comfort zone ("who I'm not but can pretend to be for a short time").  Because I am confident in who I'm made to be, these different territories can be completely justified as "personal preference" and "who I believe myself to be."  As intrinsic properties, these can't effectively be argued or discredited.  Score!  One more way of deflecting projections others would wrongly impose on me.

At dance practice a week or two ago, a team member was asked if he'd be willing to risk some kind of new experience.  (Exactly what, I don't remember because it's unimportant)  He noncommittally shrugged and said "Yeah, sure."  The questioner agreed, "Yes, you do seem like a 'yes' kind of guy."  I smiled inside, because I know me and I'm often a "No" person.  Knowing where my fences are and being willing to say no to opportunities outside them means that I'm free to immerse myself fully in my commitments.  Sometimes having boundaries means being a "No" person, and that's perfectly acceptable.

Last summer, I set a new ongoing life goal: "To always live out of the abundance of who I am, knowing that 'who I am' is a state that improves as God steadily works on my life".  Unfortunately, no sooner had I purposed such than I learned that this doesn't necessarily work in the real world.  First of all, if you choose to live fully as yourself, vulnerable and everything, you are quickly reminded that not everyone is "safe" to be vulnerable with.  Many are but some are not, and, having learned to "be myself", I again quickly learned to throw down (healthy!) boundaries and respond noncommittally to those around whom complete openness wasn't healthy.

Instead of Lifehouse, life is more like a slightly different band:

"You can't quit until you try
You can't live until you die
You can't learn to tell the truth
Until you learn to lie"
- Sixx AM, "Life is Beautiful"

"You can't tell the truth until you learn to lie".  I don't think Jesus would have said that, but there might be some truth in it.  I've learned to ignore, deflect, or dismiss conversations that would intrude too far into my core.  The behavior is like something I would have done before, but instead of squirming because I feel like I'm being cut open, it feels like sidestepping the stinky cowpie.  Maybe that's my old brokenness coming back, but it feels much more like healthy mature growth.

As I heal my brokenness, the brokenness of others becomes more evident.  Sometimes that's a manifestation of "if all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail", but sometimes it's legitimate - being whole and living in freedom offers a constant and distinct reminder that not everyone enjoys that benefit.  At times, I'm not sure if it's my wholeness contrasting with the brokenness or if I've swung too far towards what Ze Frank calls "being myself all over other people" where I act "me" regardless of the impact on others.  Nevertheless, being part of a minority with stiff and conservative boundaries creates many "opportunities for growth."

Instead of me being me, recently there's been a felt pressure to be someone other than me.  We've covered this already and the answer is NO!  I'm going to be who I am, not some imagined thing.  I've spent effort and time and discontentment to fix me and I'm not about to throw it away because someone else "thinks it'll be fun."  In the sense of an artist or author using lies to tell the truth, I'm willing to slightly distort my portrayal of myself, but it has to be slight and seldom.  I'm proud of the person I am and don't feel like hiding it.

Currently, I'm mentally tooling up for another discussion of personal-space boundaries.  For the second time in only a few weeks, I find myself pointing out the line in the sand dividing where I'm willing to step and "...that's too far."  I precipitated the last discussion by being proactive, redirecting a trend headed towards annoyingville and destination: Soul-Draining Town.  By standing up for myself in a kind but unequivocal manner, we reached a mutually satisfactory solution.  The upcoming disagreement should comparatively be a "nothing" as it's a strong personal preference rather than a moral boundary.   Further, I'm disagreeing with a statement starting with "I recommend..." Recommendations aren't mandatory and the one given is outside my personal boundaries.  As established above, boundaries from personal preferences are still intrinsic values and hard for others to dispute.

Still, I find my position consolidating and my countenance hardening as I start to dig my heels in inside my head.  I'm hoping this is a nonevent, but preparing for it to be otherwise.  Being me is freeing, but continually repelling boarders becomes frustrating.  No free rent in my head, for sure. 

"Be who you are and say what you feel
because those who mind don't matter
and those who matter don't mind."
- Dr. Seuss

As a contrast, one of my church friends posted the following, describing people who truly care.  This is how my closest friends treat me and an ideal against which to hold up people I want to let into my life in the future.

"Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly, your wholeness when you are broken, your innocence when you feel guilty, and your purpose when you are confused."

What a better way to live than the litany of "Why won't you...?" and "It wouldn't hurt you to..."!

Cool Clear Water

Dan, can ya see that big, green tree?
Where the water's runnin' free
And it's waitin' there for me and you?

Cool, clear, water
Cool, clear, water

-"Cool Clear Water", old cowboy song

Life is like a clothing item, say a nice comfortable shirt, which we're tasked with keeping clean. Unfortunately, due to the winds of life blowing to and fro, "stuff" gets on it and it gets dirty. It's tempting to try and brush the dirt off myself, or to think that I can keep myself clean. However, left out in the open, slowly the color fades into the color of soil. Soil that varies based on the locale I'm spending time in, but soil nonetheless.

Conversely, if my life is constantly held under the pure running water of time with God, all the dirt, from dust particles to big ol' dirt clods, is washed away.

One of my Shift friends talks frequently about his need to talk to God every morning, daily giving his life and decisions to the care of God. Since it works for him, I decided to try it some time ago. It's amazing; there's a nearly one-to-one correlation between remembering to talk to God right when I wake up and the overall tone of the day.

Every day, my life needs re-immersed in the stream God provides. The clear, cool, constantly-running stream that slowly and steadily washes me clean once again.

Maybe I should have quoted Talking Heads instead.

Take me to the river, drop me in the water
Take me to the river, dip me in the water
Washing me down, washing me down

- "Take Me To The River", Talking Heads

Climb

“Step by step
I've come closer to reaching the top
Every step must be placed so that I don't fall off
Looking down to see about how much higher I am

Oh, pulling myself up by rope, I better my view
Oh, the only thing in sight is what I must do
As I turned, I could see myself falling, falling, falling
Which in return gave me strength for the climb”
- No Doubt, “The Climb”

I understand the theory of rock climbing, but have never attempted the practice. The theory of climbing goes something like this: you climb for a ways, then set an anchor. Then start climbing again. In this way, even if you fall, you can only fall as far as it is to your last anchor plus the amount of rope between it and you. Of course, it takes time to set an anchor, time where you aren't climbing.

In that way and others, church, small group, and Shift have become my anchor point. Once a week, I go to church, ponder the week gone by, count “wins and wishes”, recalibrate to who I am and whose I am, then move on to the next week.

When I started writing this, it had been 4 weeks since my regularly-scheduled Sunday morning of kids ministry, 3 weeks since I'd been to Shift, and 2 weeks since I had been to church at all. (Flatirons closes between Christmas and New Years to allow the staff and volunteers time with their family and friends; a nice gesture.)

Over that time, it was as if I climbed without an anchor. Far and fast, but without a recent anchor and with a long way for a potential fall. God brought me up a great mountain over the last half of 2011, teaching me more than I imagined about life and following Him. Christmas Break unexpectedly became a time to test my wings and practice what I had learned.

I learned some stuff last year. I've learned about being an adult. I've learned that it's OK for someone to show up for me, and that generally that person generally should be me. I should show up for me, otherwise, most likely nobody will.

I had planned to take a couple weeks off of work to relax and reset over the holidays, as well as to accomplish a long list of to-dos. Instead, it was a time of checking progress in my life, a time of seeing where I was on the mountain.

Christmas break was time for being with my family as an adult, expressing my own life instead of being a child again. As I grow with God and become more emotionally and spiritually healthy, I start to see the cracks in those around me and in some cases, how my life situation has made me what I am today.

It was time for meeting new people, being authentic to myself, and pushing past my before-conventional limits. There's been lots of talking with God and walking further and further out on a ledge. I feel like Indiana Jones in The Last Crusade, stepping out over a chasm. Except I'm throwing handfuls and handfuls of gravel to see where the edges of the part are. Time will tell where the other end of my invisible bridge is, but I know that God won't let me fall and has lots for me to learn along the way.

Then it was work. Last year was a rough year at work, with me being pushed father and farther into a corner. By the time I took off , I was really tired of the whole situation. My ugly project canceled over Christmas break, which was bittersweet. At one side, my waking nightmare was over, but also a year of my life appeared to be for naught. After going back, the first day promised to be almost like the last year – stuck with impossible tasks and super high expectations. Previously, Kenton would have sighed, shrugged, and resigned himself to another season of grueling punishment. This time, though, I came out swinging. In the idiom of Shift, the only three options for events in your life are “accept”, “change”, or “eliminate”. Rather than accept, I chose to push back. Only I can show up for me, so I decide to show up in force.

I decided to push back. I started putting words together in my head and went to search out my mentor for advice on how to strongly suggest organizational changes to the program. As soon as I purposed this, I was told that my mentor was looking for me. Turns out, as I was framing my phrasing to ask how to fix “my” program, my mentor was inquiring if I minded working a program I'd been promised months ago (which I wanted), rather than the one I was about to be stuck with. Let me think about that one, “No, no objection”.

It's interesting how when I had purposed to show some assertiveness towards something that “didn't fit”, I saw how God had already prepared a way out.

The night before I went back to work, I visited my old church for a worship night. You know, I think my next batch of inventory/taking ownership/making amends will be regarding my tenure there. I was in a time of being super sarcastic at God and impatiently waiting for His answers. (See above mention of yelling at God.) Sitting in the back, letting the words and music pass over me, and talking to God was exactly what I needed. I didn't get the answers I wanted, but I walked away in a much more contented mood, knowing that God would indeed take care of me and “...do everything He'd ever promised.” (There's that Flatirons phrase again)

Afterwards, I was approached by people who used to know me and repeatedly asked “So, are you back?” or “[aren't you glad] you came back to visit us?”, etc. Honestly, nope. I came because I was invited by friends and it was a place to spend time with God. Previously, I might have just gone along with the leading questions, but this day, that wouldn't have been honest to who I am. Instead, I decided to respond honestly and without embellishment; “Nope, not visiting and not coming back. Just here for a couple hours because my friends invited me. Actually, this is my second-string plans, but it'll work OK.” Apparently my former friends weren't used to that, as they almost physically recoiled at the bluntness of my words. I was pleased with my answers, though, and I wasn't asked any more obnoxiously leading questions.

The weekend promised to be a busy one, with Shift, small group, church, then children's ministry. Of course this had to be the week that our staff worker added a speaking part for the tech workers and felt like she had to send out directions early because she thought it might be difficult. Hey, I serve in A/V to be the quiet introvert at the back of the room, but I guess trusting God also means trusting those He leads me to follow. As another ministry worker put it, “It's your acting debut! Aren't you excited?” Sure, whatever. Being the slightly perfectionist engineer, I felt that I had to go to church an additional time to figure out the directions, adding yet more to my weekend. Along the way, I figured I could project across 100 kids, which I probably can. However, projecting over 100 kids is a different story. Oops. Ah well, the kids didn't know any better and the teacher was pleased so once again, I “won” at something outside of my comfort zone.

At the end of the weekend, how did I feel? Like I had set my new anchor at the apogee of God's growth in me to date. An anchor much higher than my previous one and just as solid. Our icebreaker question for children's ministry that week regarded our New Year's resolutions. Resolutions always seem a bit of a setup for failure – I am who I am, and saying that I'll change doesn't necessarily guarantee that in any way or form. I do have a New Year's goal, though, which summed up all my feelings:

“I knew where I have been and where God has put me now. My goal for the next year is to accept nothing less than God's very best for me. My goal is not to forget who I've become and never go back to who I used to be.”

Climbing? Yes. Anchored in God's love and plan? Yes. Backing down? Never.

“Although many failed, I must now prevail with no questions
Have no time to stop, onward to the top of the mountain
And I, I can't turn back now, it's so very high, I can't turn back now
If I keep it up, I'm gonna make it, I'm so very close, can't you see?

So high the climb
Can't turn back now
Must keep on climbing up to the clouds
I'm getting closer”
(No Doubt, con't)

Chains

“It's been so long/I can't remember when
I first put on these chains I'm wearing/or how it all began
I used to dream/I would dream of living life so free
But I've been locked down for so so long/these chains are a part of me”

- “Broken Chainz”, Kingsonz

A few weeks ago, I wrote on “the power of words”. By attending Shift, I've become aware of how just being aware of something can change its affect on your life or your reaction to its stimulus in your life. One of the ideas expressed in the Foursquare church I visited was the simple power of the spoken word to break patterns and habits. It makes some sense, but that one guy who talks to himself in the mirror every day seems a little over the top. And James 3 notwithstanding, I'm not always sure that merely saying stuff changes life in a meaningful way.

Several years ago at a Joe White campus outreach, I was given a single chain link. More than five years later, I can't remember the sentiment intended to be anchored to that object, but I've carried it on my keychain since. I think it was something like “giving your will over to Jesus as a slave and following Him singlemindedly” or something. A good sentiment, I suppose. Sometime in the last month or so, manipulation of my keychain swiped the link off into my jacket pocket, evading my notice for a couple weeks.

And I don't want to let them go
They're the only way of life that I really know
I know there's something more but this is comfortable
And even though there's pain, it's predictable
I just don't know what I will do
Without these chains, how will I make it through?

Chains...I've felt locked up in my life for a while. Sometimes past mistakes haunt me, with voices in my head belittling my worth. Sometimes it's my own thoughts casting dismal visions of my future. Whatever it is, it feels like my life is held down by heavy weights sometimes.

I want to be set free & walk out in the Son
I want to take these shackles off my feet so I can run
But I'm so afraid of the unknown that is to come

I have some friends who have been associated with AA. One well-known characteristic of AA is the “sobriety chips” given out for increasing durations of sobriety. Recovering alcoholics often carry their most recent chip with them to remind them of their new way of life and their vulnerability to old temptations. Hold that thought (tangible reminder of spiritual condition) for a moment.

Over the last six months, I've been pointedly and purposefully working through stuff in my life. While I don't have a “duration of sobriety” to give me a metric of progress, the indicators I've been watching in my life definitively show that all the hard work has been worthwhile and effective. As part of my journey, I completed a “Step Study”, which focused on each of the 12 steps, giving room for discussion and methods for implementation. The study was long, starting in late summer and finishing just before Christmas. The last night, as a measure of our progress, our leader had us write down things we no longer wanted and burn them in the parking lot. Fire is great and cathartic and all that. As we kicked ashes of dead things into a snowbank and turned to leave, our leader stopped each of us, dropped something into our hand, then walked on.

Turning the object over in my fingers, I found it to be a bronze circle, with the simple word “Celebrate” on one side and the phrase “Living Life Centered On 12 Steps” on the reverse. It's my very own chip! You know, for such a simple object previously below my awareness, I'm really proud of that silly little thing. It goes with me almost everywhere in my pocket, and occasionally finds its way into my hands when they're bored.

Why do I carry it? Because it reminds me. My chains are gone. All the baggage, the guilt, the expectations, they're not mine to carry. I shed all that stuff. At least, a big part of it. I'm not chained to my past, my old patterns, or my old results. Through prayer and lots of hard work, the heavy stuff is gone. It doesn't weigh me down any more and I can walk as a free man. I am who I am today, and can walk tall and in confidence of that fact.

Some days, I manually index my keyring and miss the chain link. Then the solid metal “clunk” of my Shift chip reminds me that I don't need the chains, I have my actual life. I'm free of my old stuff and can go on to live my life the way it was intended to be, not the way my past tried to lock me into. The old darkness is familiar and well-worn, but just doesn't fit who I am any more.

But some days it feels like it was all a dream,
'Cause I can still hear my chains calling out for me,
And sometimes it feels like I'm wandering,
And I start to long for the dark again,
And I doubt & distrust your promises,
But you're always right there with me,
And when I fall you pick me back up again

I love this song. I think I've listened to it twice a day (on average) since the week before Christmas. It's totally outside my usual musical style, but the words describe my life uncannily well. Check out these men (from my church) and their story:

BROKEN CHAINZ- LIVE AT FLATIRONS COMMUNITY CHURCH
(song starts at 3:50)

Chains vs. Change: Icons of paradigms in my life, past and future

My Will

“It's my will, I'm not moving
'Cause if it's Your will, then nothing can shake me"

- dc Talk, “My Will”

“My rifle, without me is useless. Without my rifle, I am useless. I must fire my rifle true. I must shoot straighter than my enemy who is trying to kill me. I must shoot him before he shoots me. I will....”


My rifle and myself know that what counts in this war is not the rounds we fire, the noise of our burst, nor the smoke we make. We know that it is the hits that count. We will hit...


My rifle is human, even as I, because it is my life. Thus, I will learn it as a brother. I will learn its weakness, its strength, its parts, its accessories, its sights and its barrel. I will ever guard it against the ravages of weather and damage. I will keep my rifle clean and ready, even as I am clean and ready. We will become part of each other. We will...”
- Part of the USMC Rifleman's Creed

You know, that dangling “I will” always bothered me. There's lots of “I will” statements in that creed, but the incomplete ones always niggled at the back of my mind. I will what?

But this is not a post about the military, or even about rifles.

I've been playing with “I will” statements lately. What will I? “I will follow Jesus” is a good start. “I will go to work this morning” - also a worthy sentiment. But these are short-term immediate “tactical” goals. What about long-term strategic aims?

Appleseed has provided a target to focus some of my passion as of late – I will spend my time instructing others on basic marksmanship and the high tradition they carry as Americans. Appleseed is very focused on mission – there's a list of “we will” and “we will not”. This has served them well as they have accomplished their goal of doubling almost every year for the last six years. Thousands and thousands of people have been the subject of Appleseed's “we will teach this and only this” methodology to seeming success.

What else will I? After the end of my relationship with Mary, I promised myself that I would grow and that I would move on. “I will grow from this experience.” “I will not be stuck here for the rest of my life.” I will...

Pastor Jay used to teach on what he called self-protective vows. These were when you were hurt and promised yourself something that you thought would keep you from getting hurt again. If your father was an alcoholic and made your childhood a living...something, maybe you'd promise “I'll never drink” or “I'll never be an alcoholic.” This seems good, but instead you tether yourself to that point. How far have you come in your life? Well, you're not an alcoholic, so that's all that matters. Or worse, in your efforts to escape it, you become the very thing you were seeking to avoid. In my life, this has taken other forms. After Andie, I think I established to myself that dating would never be worth it. Not a healthy way to live, so I eventually had to dig that one up and leave it behind. After Mary, there was a set of ideas I wanted to make into “I will always” and “I will never”, but I think I've avoided all the harmful ones. The aforementioned “I will grow...” seems benign and even helpful. We'll see how that one turns out.

Sometimes in my more (lucid? imaginative? delusional?) moments, I ponder my self and my reactions to external stimuli. Proverbs says “as iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens his friend.” Sometimes my will is like a blade – it meant to cut through things and push towards a destination, towards the other side. Sometimes it's sharp, sometimes it's dull. Every cook or chef knows that knives have to be sharp to achieve their task. A sharp tool is a useful tool; a dull tool is dangerous and likely to harm its user or surroundings.

When you sharpen a knife, you have to be sure to work both sides of the blade evenly in order to form a symmetric edge that is durable and long-lasting. Sometimes a thin, jagged burr is formed right along the knife edge called a “wire burr”. This wire burr appears sharp, but if used, will quickly fold over and leave your knife dull and useless. Similarly, sometimes my will is focused and assertive and I feel that I'll be able to push through anything. Other times, although it appears sharp, it's really just thin and fragile; any use will break it and I will not achieve any progress in my life. If “I will...”, how much am I dedicated to that and how durable of a purpose/edge is it? Is it something that will easily be turned by a rock in the way, or will it go the distance?

How do I structure my life to reduce the fragile, fickle “will” moments and create more of the solid sharp ones?

Step 3 of the 12-step Celebrate Recovery program reads “We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God.” Herein lies the way to purpose and point my will down a right and sustainable path. If I let God direct my will, than I am far more likely to be able to follow through and not destroy myself in the process.

That's hard though. I have to let God sharpen me, even if it's longer than I think it should be. If I think my life is sharp enough, it may be true or it may be that false sharp wire burr that will fragment if pushed. If I wait until He says “Good,” the odds are much better.

I guess it all goes back to faith - “knowing that God is who he says he is and trusting that he'll do everything he's promised to do.” I guess it goes back to knowing who God is and his will so that I can sit in that place. And that's not easy. In the end though, having a durable “edge” that's sharp and useful has to be worth it. Just as a knife needs its edge kept up at periodic intervals, so I must work on my faith on a regular basis.

Then the “I will...” statements become a lot like God's “I will...” statements and I have to worry less about what to pick to stake my life on.

So what will I? I guess for now, I will trust God. I will walk in the path he's set before me, and I will trust that His timing and plan are actually what's best for me.

I will...

Taking Stock

“We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves”
-Step 4, Celebrate Recovery (and similar)

In the aftermath of my ended relationship earlier this year, I decided to attend Shift, Flatirons' version of Celebrate Recovery. I wanted a method to deal with the brokenness thereby introduced, and it's grown into digging all kinds of stuff up. Tonight, I realized that I've been at Shift for almost 6 months.

For the past 6 weeks, I've been in a study that deals in depth with each of the 12 steps used by AA, CODA, CR and many other programs. (Hence the occasional blog post spun off one Step or another) It's been an eye-opening experience. The depths of my life that I've been led to bring to light have been incredibly daunting, yet having it broken down into small pieces and conquering each piece beside other men has made it seem much more doable.

We've spent the last two or three weeks assembling our “moral inventories” - lists starting with people we've hurt, people who've hurt us, and sometimes “I hurt myself” moments, then continuing into what hurt happened, why it happened, and what part of it I own. Sometimes I own all of it, sometimes none of it. The exercise is cathartic and depressing all at the same time. Seeing the words on paper (or on the computer screen in my case) seems to take away the power that the hurt has held over me. Itemizing and analyzing the “bad spots” in my life takes some time and poring back through the cowpies isn't on my all-time fun list. Side note: apparently my spell check doesn't approve of “cowpies”. Cowpie isn't OK either. Apparently it's a city slicker spell check. But I digress.

"Searching and fearless" - now there's some intense words. I wasn't sure I wanted to examine my life with such intensity, but a half-hearted effort would not yield any useful results. Intense it is, I guess.

As I wrote, there started to be a couple underlying themes. One of these was how, in every case, I was thankful that a situation didn't degrade further or how God saved me from a bad situation. The theme was continued in a conversation before Step Study last week with an acquaintance from a previous church. She asked how I had been, and I tried to summarize the changes in my life over the last year and a half or so. At an overall survey level, my life is far different now than a year ago. I:

• broke up with Mary
• faced a lot of ugliness because of that
• found a ministry to fix my stuff
• found a ministry in which to serve
• integrated myself into a (Vineyard) small group until it ended
• considered starting my own small group
• found a (Flatirons) small group I felt accepted in
• met a bunch of interesting people through small groups, Shift, and children's ministry
• began a step study to dig out more of my crud
• found the Appleseed program
• made Appleseed a noticeable part of my life (at least one weekend/month now)
• recovered from my breakup and got back on my emotional/relational feet
  

and the list just goes on and on.

On my way home from the church, I continued the path we had started down in small group. The last question of the moral inventory is “Do I see God working in the events of my life?” Even through the “ugly”, my answer has to be unquestionably “Yes!” In the bad parts, in the good parts, it's all been God.

As just one example, my post-breakup recovery cycle shortened dramatically this time. Last time, I was in a depression for almost a year. This time, less weeks than fingers on one hand. Last time, it took me almost two years to re-understand myself and my emotional boundaries. This time, it was closer to 3 months. Herein lies a milestone of personal growth.

Lately, work has been hard. Really hard. We're under schedule, budget, and technical pressure. I'm finding that some people don't handle pressure well and their unredeemed side is showing. Every day seems to be a new fight, putting out new “fires”, and trying to do the best by those for whom I'm responsible. Every day is a battle, and I usually get home completely worn out. I guess that's what they pay me for, though, and there is a scheduled date where the workload is supposed to rapidly abate. Supposedly we only have 5-6 weeks left of this very special situation, but I doubt the veracity of that statement.

You know, even with all that going on, I'm really OK with where I'm at. Not merely glumly accepting, but joyful. I realize that God is working in me every day, just a little bit at a time, and that's OK.

I'm not with Mary any more, even though we both thought we'd spend the rest of our lives together, but I'm happy about that – it's worked out better for the change. That'd be an easy statement if I could follow it with “and besides, I met someone who has made everything right in my life.” It would also be a falsehood, as I'm single. Said fantasy person hasn't showed up and I'm still plugging away in my own life with my own two feet, one at a time. But you know what? I'm OK with that too. Life with only me and God has turned out better than I figured it would be. I know, I don't have much faith sometimes. Jesus loves me anyway, so get over it.

The turbulence of the last several months has subsided into a quiet yet deep trust that God will take care of me. Difficult work, unsure times in our culture/world, no time to consider where ministry will take me at church; all doesn't matter because my life is definitely acceptable, I have no complaints, and God's got my back.

I'm even thinking of changing my FB picture. I've owned the diffraction pattern since junior year, with only short breaks. It was something I had done with my own two hands, my own creation if you will. Instead, I'm looking to change to one showing something like a dicot, showing new growth. (Go Google it) That roughly describes how I feel – new leaves are showing in my life, but I still feel a little fragile.




“My dead heart now is beating
My deepest stains now clean
Your breath fills up my lungs
Now I'm free, now I'm free

Sin has lost it's power
Death has lost it's sting
From the grave You've risen
Victoriously

Into marvelous light I'm running
Out of darkness, out of shame
By the cross You are the truth
You are the life, You are the way”

- “Marvelous Light”, Charlie Hall