Taking Stock
“We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves”
-Step 4, Celebrate Recovery (and similar)
In the aftermath of my ended relationship earlier this year, I decided to attend Shift, Flatirons' version of Celebrate Recovery. I wanted a method to deal with the brokenness thereby introduced, and it's grown into digging all kinds of stuff up. Tonight, I realized that I've been at Shift for almost 6 months.
For the past 6 weeks, I've been in a study that deals in depth with each of the 12 steps used by AA, CODA, CR and many other programs. (Hence the occasional blog post spun off one Step or another) It's been an eye-opening experience. The depths of my life that I've been led to bring to light have been incredibly daunting, yet having it broken down into small pieces and conquering each piece beside other men has made it seem much more doable.
We've spent the last two or three weeks assembling our “moral inventories” - lists starting with people we've hurt, people who've hurt us, and sometimes “I hurt myself” moments, then continuing into what hurt happened, why it happened, and what part of it I own. Sometimes I own all of it, sometimes none of it. The exercise is cathartic and depressing all at the same time. Seeing the words on paper (or on the computer screen in my case) seems to take away the power that the hurt has held over me. Itemizing and analyzing the “bad spots” in my life takes some time and poring back through the cowpies isn't on my all-time fun list. Side note: apparently my spell check doesn't approve of “cowpies”. Cowpie isn't OK either. Apparently it's a city slicker spell check. But I digress.
"Searching and fearless" - now there's some intense words. I wasn't sure I wanted to examine my life with such intensity, but a half-hearted effort would not yield any useful results. Intense it is, I guess.
As I wrote, there started to be a couple underlying themes. One of these was how, in every case, I was thankful that a situation didn't degrade further or how God saved me from a bad situation. The theme was continued in a conversation before Step Study last week with an acquaintance from a previous church. She asked how I had been, and I tried to summarize the changes in my life over the last year and a half or so. At an overall survey level, my life is far different now than a year ago. I:
On my way home from the church, I continued the path we had started down in small group. The last question of the moral inventory is “Do I see God working in the events of my life?” Even through the “ugly”, my answer has to be unquestionably “Yes!” In the bad parts, in the good parts, it's all been God.
As just one example, my post-breakup recovery cycle shortened dramatically this time. Last time, I was in a depression for almost a year. This time, less weeks than fingers on one hand. Last time, it took me almost two years to re-understand myself and my emotional boundaries. This time, it was closer to 3 months. Herein lies a milestone of personal growth.
Lately, work has been hard. Really hard. We're under schedule, budget, and technical pressure. I'm finding that some people don't handle pressure well and their unredeemed side is showing. Every day seems to be a new fight, putting out new “fires”, and trying to do the best by those for whom I'm responsible. Every day is a battle, and I usually get home completely worn out. I guess that's what they pay me for, though, and there is a scheduled date where the workload is supposed to rapidly abate. Supposedly we only have 5-6 weeks left of this very special situation, but I doubt the veracity of that statement.
You know, even with all that going on, I'm really OK with where I'm at. Not merely glumly accepting, but joyful. I realize that God is working in me every day, just a little bit at a time, and that's OK.
I'm not with Mary any more, even though we both thought we'd spend the rest of our lives together, but I'm happy about that – it's worked out better for the change. That'd be an easy statement if I could follow it with “and besides, I met someone who has made everything right in my life.” It would also be a falsehood, as I'm single. Said fantasy person hasn't showed up and I'm still plugging away in my own life with my own two feet, one at a time. But you know what? I'm OK with that too. Life with only me and God has turned out better than I figured it would be. I know, I don't have much faith sometimes. Jesus loves me anyway, so get over it.
The turbulence of the last several months has subsided into a quiet yet deep trust that God will take care of me. Difficult work, unsure times in our culture/world, no time to consider where ministry will take me at church; all doesn't matter because my life is definitely acceptable, I have no complaints, and God's got my back.
I'm even thinking of changing my FB picture. I've owned the diffraction pattern since junior year, with only short breaks. It was something I had done with my own two hands, my own creation if you will. Instead, I'm looking to change to one showing something like a dicot, showing new growth. (Go Google it) That roughly describes how I feel – new leaves are showing in my life, but I still feel a little fragile.
“My dead heart now is beating
My deepest stains now clean
Your breath fills up my lungs
Now I'm free, now I'm free
Sin has lost it's power
Death has lost it's sting
From the grave You've risen
Victoriously
Into marvelous light I'm running
Out of darkness, out of shame
By the cross You are the truth
You are the life, You are the way”
- “Marvelous Light”, Charlie Hall
-Step 4, Celebrate Recovery (and similar)
In the aftermath of my ended relationship earlier this year, I decided to attend Shift, Flatirons' version of Celebrate Recovery. I wanted a method to deal with the brokenness thereby introduced, and it's grown into digging all kinds of stuff up. Tonight, I realized that I've been at Shift for almost 6 months.
For the past 6 weeks, I've been in a study that deals in depth with each of the 12 steps used by AA, CODA, CR and many other programs. (Hence the occasional blog post spun off one Step or another) It's been an eye-opening experience. The depths of my life that I've been led to bring to light have been incredibly daunting, yet having it broken down into small pieces and conquering each piece beside other men has made it seem much more doable.
We've spent the last two or three weeks assembling our “moral inventories” - lists starting with people we've hurt, people who've hurt us, and sometimes “I hurt myself” moments, then continuing into what hurt happened, why it happened, and what part of it I own. Sometimes I own all of it, sometimes none of it. The exercise is cathartic and depressing all at the same time. Seeing the words on paper (or on the computer screen in my case) seems to take away the power that the hurt has held over me. Itemizing and analyzing the “bad spots” in my life takes some time and poring back through the cowpies isn't on my all-time fun list. Side note: apparently my spell check doesn't approve of “cowpies”. Cowpie isn't OK either. Apparently it's a city slicker spell check. But I digress.
"Searching and fearless" - now there's some intense words. I wasn't sure I wanted to examine my life with such intensity, but a half-hearted effort would not yield any useful results. Intense it is, I guess.
As I wrote, there started to be a couple underlying themes. One of these was how, in every case, I was thankful that a situation didn't degrade further or how God saved me from a bad situation. The theme was continued in a conversation before Step Study last week with an acquaintance from a previous church. She asked how I had been, and I tried to summarize the changes in my life over the last year and a half or so. At an overall survey level, my life is far different now than a year ago. I:
- broke up with Mary
- faced a lot of ugliness because of that
- found a ministry to fix my stuff
- found a ministry in which to serve
- integrated myself into a (Vineyard) small group until it ended
- considered starting my own small group
- found a (Flatirons) small group I felt accepted in
- met a bunch of interesting people through small groups, Shift, and children's ministry
- began a step study to dig out more of my crud
- found the Appleseed program
- made Appleseed a noticeable part of my life (at least one weekend/month now)
- recovered from my breakup and got back on my emotional/relational feet
On my way home from the church, I continued the path we had started down in small group. The last question of the moral inventory is “Do I see God working in the events of my life?” Even through the “ugly”, my answer has to be unquestionably “Yes!” In the bad parts, in the good parts, it's all been God.
As just one example, my post-breakup recovery cycle shortened dramatically this time. Last time, I was in a depression for almost a year. This time, less weeks than fingers on one hand. Last time, it took me almost two years to re-understand myself and my emotional boundaries. This time, it was closer to 3 months. Herein lies a milestone of personal growth.
Lately, work has been hard. Really hard. We're under schedule, budget, and technical pressure. I'm finding that some people don't handle pressure well and their unredeemed side is showing. Every day seems to be a new fight, putting out new “fires”, and trying to do the best by those for whom I'm responsible. Every day is a battle, and I usually get home completely worn out. I guess that's what they pay me for, though, and there is a scheduled date where the workload is supposed to rapidly abate. Supposedly we only have 5-6 weeks left of this very special situation, but I doubt the veracity of that statement.
You know, even with all that going on, I'm really OK with where I'm at. Not merely glumly accepting, but joyful. I realize that God is working in me every day, just a little bit at a time, and that's OK.
I'm not with Mary any more, even though we both thought we'd spend the rest of our lives together, but I'm happy about that – it's worked out better for the change. That'd be an easy statement if I could follow it with “and besides, I met someone who has made everything right in my life.” It would also be a falsehood, as I'm single. Said fantasy person hasn't showed up and I'm still plugging away in my own life with my own two feet, one at a time. But you know what? I'm OK with that too. Life with only me and God has turned out better than I figured it would be. I know, I don't have much faith sometimes. Jesus loves me anyway, so get over it.
The turbulence of the last several months has subsided into a quiet yet deep trust that God will take care of me. Difficult work, unsure times in our culture/world, no time to consider where ministry will take me at church; all doesn't matter because my life is definitely acceptable, I have no complaints, and God's got my back.
I'm even thinking of changing my FB picture. I've owned the diffraction pattern since junior year, with only short breaks. It was something I had done with my own two hands, my own creation if you will. Instead, I'm looking to change to one showing something like a dicot, showing new growth. (Go Google it) That roughly describes how I feel – new leaves are showing in my life, but I still feel a little fragile.
“My dead heart now is beating
My deepest stains now clean
Your breath fills up my lungs
Now I'm free, now I'm free
Sin has lost it's power
Death has lost it's sting
From the grave You've risen
Victoriously
Into marvelous light I'm running
Out of darkness, out of shame
By the cross You are the truth
You are the life, You are the way”
- “Marvelous Light”, Charlie Hall
posted by The student of life at 10:05 PM
2 Comments:
Who is idea farming whom?
Well, Emily, I still think you're idea farming us. Or that other state you visit...
I'm not idea farming - I have a purpose other than writing (personal growth), with the writing coming as a byproduct.
Just my opinion, of course...
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