Who I Am
And we break and we burn
And we turn it inside out
To take it back to the start
And through the rise and falling apart
We discover who we are
- Lifehouse, "Who We Are"
Over the last year and a half, I've spent some time working on the "stuff" of my life. One goal of that time has been coming to a better sense of who I am. Not who I'm told to be or what the world wants to make me into, but who I am and who I am created to be. On a scale of zero to amazeballs, I'd say I'm pretty sure of myself now and I'm actually a pretty big fan of myself, which was not necessarily true before.
I've noticed that once "who I am" is sorted out, it also sorts out the areas outside my boundaries ("who I'm not") and the areas inside my boundaries but outside my comfort zone ("who I'm not but can pretend to be for a short time"). Because I am confident in who I'm made to be, these different territories can be completely justified as "personal preference" and "who I believe myself to be." As intrinsic properties, these can't effectively be argued or discredited. Score! One more way of deflecting projections others would wrongly impose on me.
At dance practice a week or two ago, a team member was asked if he'd be willing to risk some kind of new experience. (Exactly what, I don't remember because it's unimportant) He noncommittally shrugged and said "Yeah, sure." The questioner agreed, "Yes, you do seem like a 'yes' kind of guy." I smiled inside, because I know me and I'm often a "No" person. Knowing where my fences are and being willing to say no to opportunities outside them means that I'm free to immerse myself fully in my commitments. Sometimes having boundaries means being a "No" person, and that's perfectly acceptable.
Last summer, I set a new ongoing life goal: "To always live out of the abundance of who I am, knowing that 'who I am' is a state that improves as God steadily works on my life". Unfortunately, no sooner had I purposed such than I learned that this doesn't necessarily work in the real world. First of all, if you choose to live fully as yourself, vulnerable and everything, you are quickly reminded that not everyone is "safe" to be vulnerable with. Many are but some are not, and, having learned to "be myself", I again quickly learned to throw down (healthy!) boundaries and respond noncommittally to those around whom complete openness wasn't healthy.
Instead of Lifehouse, life is more like a slightly different band:
"You can't quit until you try
You can't live until you die
You can't learn to tell the truth
Until you learn to lie"
- Sixx AM, "Life is Beautiful"
"You can't tell the truth until you learn to lie". I don't think Jesus would have said that, but there might be some truth in it. I've learned to ignore, deflect, or dismiss conversations that would intrude too far into my core. The behavior is like something I would have done before, but instead of squirming because I feel like I'm being cut open, it feels like sidestepping the stinky cowpie. Maybe that's my old brokenness coming back, but it feels much more like healthy mature growth.
As I heal my brokenness, the brokenness of others becomes more evident. Sometimes that's a manifestation of "if all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail", but sometimes it's legitimate - being whole and living in freedom offers a constant and distinct reminder that not everyone enjoys that benefit. At times, I'm not sure if it's my wholeness contrasting with the brokenness or if I've swung too far towards what Ze Frank calls "being myself all over other people" where I act "me" regardless of the impact on others. Nevertheless, being part of a minority with stiff and conservative boundaries creates many "opportunities for growth."
Instead of me being me, recently there's been a felt pressure to be someone other than me. We've covered this already and the answer is NO! I'm going to be who I am, not some imagined thing. I've spent effort and time and discontentment to fix me and I'm not about to throw it away because someone else "thinks it'll be fun." In the sense of an artist or author using lies to tell the truth, I'm willing to slightly distort my portrayal of myself, but it has to be slight and seldom. I'm proud of the person I am and don't feel like hiding it.
Currently, I'm mentally tooling up for another discussion of personal-space boundaries. For the second time in only a few weeks, I find myself pointing out the line in the sand dividing where I'm willing to step and "...that's too far." I precipitated the last discussion by being proactive, redirecting a trend headed towards annoyingville and destination: Soul-Draining Town. By standing up for myself in a kind but unequivocal manner, we reached a mutually satisfactory solution. The upcoming disagreement should comparatively be a "nothing" as it's a strong personal preference rather than a moral boundary. Further, I'm disagreeing with a statement starting with "I recommend..." Recommendations aren't mandatory and the one given is outside my personal boundaries. As established above, boundaries from personal preferences are still intrinsic values and hard for others to dispute.
Still, I find my position consolidating and my countenance hardening as I start to dig my heels in inside my head. I'm hoping this is a nonevent, but preparing for it to be otherwise. Being me is freeing, but continually repelling boarders becomes frustrating. No free rent in my head, for sure.
As a contrast, one of my church friends posted the following, describing people who truly care. This is how my closest friends treat me and an ideal against which to hold up people I want to let into my life in the future.
What a better way to live than the litany of "Why won't you...?" and "It wouldn't hurt you to..."!
And we turn it inside out
To take it back to the start
And through the rise and falling apart
We discover who we are
- Lifehouse, "Who We Are"
Over the last year and a half, I've spent some time working on the "stuff" of my life. One goal of that time has been coming to a better sense of who I am. Not who I'm told to be or what the world wants to make me into, but who I am and who I am created to be. On a scale of zero to amazeballs, I'd say I'm pretty sure of myself now and I'm actually a pretty big fan of myself, which was not necessarily true before.
I've noticed that once "who I am" is sorted out, it also sorts out the areas outside my boundaries ("who I'm not") and the areas inside my boundaries but outside my comfort zone ("who I'm not but can pretend to be for a short time"). Because I am confident in who I'm made to be, these different territories can be completely justified as "personal preference" and "who I believe myself to be." As intrinsic properties, these can't effectively be argued or discredited. Score! One more way of deflecting projections others would wrongly impose on me.
At dance practice a week or two ago, a team member was asked if he'd be willing to risk some kind of new experience. (Exactly what, I don't remember because it's unimportant) He noncommittally shrugged and said "Yeah, sure." The questioner agreed, "Yes, you do seem like a 'yes' kind of guy." I smiled inside, because I know me and I'm often a "No" person. Knowing where my fences are and being willing to say no to opportunities outside them means that I'm free to immerse myself fully in my commitments. Sometimes having boundaries means being a "No" person, and that's perfectly acceptable.
Last summer, I set a new ongoing life goal: "To always live out of the abundance of who I am, knowing that 'who I am' is a state that improves as God steadily works on my life". Unfortunately, no sooner had I purposed such than I learned that this doesn't necessarily work in the real world. First of all, if you choose to live fully as yourself, vulnerable and everything, you are quickly reminded that not everyone is "safe" to be vulnerable with. Many are but some are not, and, having learned to "be myself", I again quickly learned to throw down (healthy!) boundaries and respond noncommittally to those around whom complete openness wasn't healthy.
Instead of Lifehouse, life is more like a slightly different band:
"You can't quit until you try
You can't live until you die
You can't learn to tell the truth
Until you learn to lie"
- Sixx AM, "Life is Beautiful"
"You can't tell the truth until you learn to lie". I don't think Jesus would have said that, but there might be some truth in it. I've learned to ignore, deflect, or dismiss conversations that would intrude too far into my core. The behavior is like something I would have done before, but instead of squirming because I feel like I'm being cut open, it feels like sidestepping the stinky cowpie. Maybe that's my old brokenness coming back, but it feels much more like healthy mature growth.
As I heal my brokenness, the brokenness of others becomes more evident. Sometimes that's a manifestation of "if all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail", but sometimes it's legitimate - being whole and living in freedom offers a constant and distinct reminder that not everyone enjoys that benefit. At times, I'm not sure if it's my wholeness contrasting with the brokenness or if I've swung too far towards what Ze Frank calls "being myself all over other people" where I act "me" regardless of the impact on others. Nevertheless, being part of a minority with stiff and conservative boundaries creates many "opportunities for growth."
Instead of me being me, recently there's been a felt pressure to be someone other than me. We've covered this already and the answer is NO! I'm going to be who I am, not some imagined thing. I've spent effort and time and discontentment to fix me and I'm not about to throw it away because someone else "thinks it'll be fun." In the sense of an artist or author using lies to tell the truth, I'm willing to slightly distort my portrayal of myself, but it has to be slight and seldom. I'm proud of the person I am and don't feel like hiding it.
Currently, I'm mentally tooling up for another discussion of personal-space boundaries. For the second time in only a few weeks, I find myself pointing out the line in the sand dividing where I'm willing to step and "...that's too far." I precipitated the last discussion by being proactive, redirecting a trend headed towards annoyingville and destination: Soul-Draining Town. By standing up for myself in a kind but unequivocal manner, we reached a mutually satisfactory solution. The upcoming disagreement should comparatively be a "nothing" as it's a strong personal preference rather than a moral boundary. Further, I'm disagreeing with a statement starting with "I recommend..." Recommendations aren't mandatory and the one given is outside my personal boundaries. As established above, boundaries from personal preferences are still intrinsic values and hard for others to dispute.
Still, I find my position consolidating and my countenance hardening as I start to dig my heels in inside my head. I'm hoping this is a nonevent, but preparing for it to be otherwise. Being me is freeing, but continually repelling boarders becomes frustrating. No free rent in my head, for sure.
"Be who you are and say what you feel
because those who mind don't matter
and those who matter don't mind."
- Dr. Seuss
As a contrast, one of my church friends posted the following, describing people who truly care. This is how my closest friends treat me and an ideal against which to hold up people I want to let into my life in the future.
"Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly, your wholeness when you are broken, your innocence when you feel guilty, and your purpose when you are confused."
What a better way to live than the litany of "Why won't you...?" and "It wouldn't hurt you to..."!
posted by The student of life at 11:06 PM
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