Roads I Have Traveled

“Goin' places that I've never been, Seein' things that I may never see again”
- Willie Nelson

(Again, a literary idea I wanted to play with. Indulge me.)

Parmalee Gulch Road, we have to have some words. We used to have a thing going on. First, there was some fondness, but that turned into a grudge and we were probably both rude to each other. You know, whatever. I'm over it. You helped me into some stuff new to me, but also some of it that was just rotten. A few weekends ago, all that finished. The old baggage is gone, and you're just a piece of asphalt. You and me, “Parmalee”, we're done. And you know what? You were supposed to have this reputation that's so bad and so scary. Whatever! There's two lanes, pavement, and even a rumble bar in the middle now. Not only have I found a worse road, but I've driven that worse road in darkness, storms, and way over the recommended speed.

Speaking of which, Old Stage Road, you're next. I don't think my car will ever be the same after the summer we spent together last year. My poor mirrors – they're now held on with zip ties after being taxed worse driving up the mountain than anywhere else I've ever been. You used to be my friend, promising peace and joy at my destination, though oddly mixed with relationship drama from the very beginning. I could check off all my favorite waypoints on my way up or down (OK, especially up), knowing that all the hard work of negotiating the drive would be worth it. I knew which curves I could safely accelerate through, and which I should slow down and honk for. And there may have been a time or two that I may have honked without slowing down and looking. Oops. I'm glad for the grudging friendship that we formed. It's a shame that we probably won't see much of each other again.

Havenwood, I guess you're next. Always tricksy on me both arriving and departing. Arriving, the turn over the top of the hill often took me by surprise, although I only left rubber behind once. Departing, you just seemed to want to be arduous and a tease. The traffic light only meant that someone somewhere got a green light at one time, not that I ever would. After all that, though, seeing you was an indicator that I was getting close to “someone special”, which made my heart glad every time. Guess that's over, huh?

Along the way, Ramblewood, shame on you for fooling me with your blind curves and identical mailboxes so many times. Even after dozens of traverses, you still made me count house numbers. Silly you.

I-25 south of Denver, you've been a fickle and deceitful friend. Even with four lanes each in the busy spot, you find a way to waylay me. I don't appreciate it – why can't you be dependable like your buddy I-70? Especially between Monument and Colorado Springs, you're not my friend.

Wow, it looks like I've made a list of enemies.

Highway 93, I'm glad we don't see each other much any more. During the summer, we get along as long as I set aside enough time to treat you with respect. During the winter, though, that respect turns into something just sort of dread, as I've seen you in a mood to eat cars for lunch. I understand your mountain-like free-wheeling personality, but still...

I-70, my on-again, off-again friend. West or east, you've always taken me where I was going. Be it DIA or past the Eisenhower Tunnel, you've treated me well. Remember the year I went to church in Aurora? Yeah...even then I knew I would always get there and usually on time. Even through bad weather or late at night, I always felt safe.

Highway 36, thanks for bailing me out when I needed it. Whenever I needed a quick diagonal across Denver, you helped me. I understand a lot of people don't like you, and I'm not a fan of the Wadsworth bridge myself, but still, you've been good to me.

Coal Creek Drive (and South Public Road by extension), we've known each other for a while, but it's only recently we've gotten to know each other very well. I hope we hang out for a long time still, because right now you're helping me literally be closer to God. (I know, God doesn't live in a building, but my point remains).

I bet you were expecting a post about metaphorical roads! What can I say? Sometimes it's OK to be unpredictable.

Expectation

I can feel the nervous energy inside. It roils and swells, crashing in waves against the edges of my mind. It's past the time a prudent man would be settling down, yet it feels like I'm just starting to wind up. I go about my night's business with a flair and an undeniable energy that's unnecessary to the task at hand. Words and illustrations, philosophies and faces all swirl about my head, begging to be organized and kept straight, but only the whole makes sense. Laundry doesn't demand back-talk and sass, yet my excess enthusiasm will have to go somewhere.

I know tonight will be a night of restless sleep and equal parts anticipation and dread for the alarm clock across the room. Tomorrow, I go before a spectrum of faces; some familiar and some new. These are my peers and also those who will determine my near future. Though slated to make my case for almost an hour, I know I will have to be both concise and incisive to fit the words into the twenty or thirty minutes I will be afforded. It's a nearly impossible task, yet failure is not an option. I must advocate that which I have worked so hard for, because if I don't, who will?

Tonight should be a night for calm and preparation, yet it will be a night of butterflies and worry. I know that if I can corral the uncertainty, the rush, it will fuel my conviction and confidence, and all will be swept before me. If I let it overcome me, it will be left to others ill-suited to pick me up and keep our team in sight of the goal. The dark waves ebb and flow, looking for a channel to escape.

Tomorrow, I shall meticulously prepare my appearance such that I make a good first impression. Everyone knows you only get one. Slacks and a button-down, while a noticeable change from my routine, will help focus my mind and corral the energy as well as portray “having it together” and professionalism. That strange establishment symbolized by the woman with the oddly-waving hair and outstretched arms will purvey that which will heighten my alertness in a feeble attempt to rally enthusiasm and assertiveness no matter the hour of day.

By midafternoon, all will be over, leaving only post-event analysis, inferences, and decisions on the path forward. I'm eager to be done so I can get on with my weekend, yet I'm excited for my chance to shine.

I can't wait and yet my time draws so very close. Expectation kills, I suppose.

(My readers, I apologize. I've worked over 90 hours in the past 10 days for a big push including a presentation to some “big fish” in my little pond. Too many long days has left no time for writing, although I have a couple ideas started. The long weekend should provide more opportunities to make up ground.)

Appleseed – Single Part 2

(Go read Part 1 - I'll wait here for you)

“During the whole affair, the rebels attacked us in a very scattered, irregular manner, but with perseverance and resolution, nor did they ever dare to form into a regular body. Indeed they knew too well what was proper, to do so. Whoever looks upon them as an irregular mob, will find himself very much mistaken. They have men amongst them who know very well what they are about, having been employed as rangers against the Indians and Canadians, and this country being very much covered with wood, and hilly, is very advantageous for their method of fighting.”
- Lord Hugh Percy

Once to every man and nation, comes the moment to decide,
In the strife of truth with falsehood, for the good or evil side;
Some great cause, some great decision, offering each the bloom or blight,
And the choice goes by forever, ’twixt that darkness and that light.

Then to side with truth is noble, when we share her wretched crust,
Ere her cause bring fame and profit, and ’tis prosperous to be just;
Then it is the brave man chooses while the coward stands aside,
Till the multitude make virtue of the faith they had denied.
-”Once to Every Man and Nation”, James Lowell

[I went to an “Appleseed Shoot” a couple weekends ago (4/16-4/17). Without great detail, it was a 2-day event covering rifle marksmanship fundamentals, Revolutionary War history, and admonition to be a positive force in your community. You can find more info at www.appleseedinfo.org.]

(Disclaimer: Politics and firearm ownership are often highly-charged subjects. Over the course of our discussion, I will present my life the way it is with regard to these two subjects. You don't have to agree with the way my life is, but that's not what I want to write about.)

“The light of the body is the eye: if therefore thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light. But if thine eye be evil, thy whole body shall be full of darkness. If therefore the light that is in thee be darkness, how great is that darkness!”
- Matthew 6:22-23, KJV

God brought this verse to me the other day when I was considering the idea of “single”. I quote here the King James since other translations choose different words. The NIV chooses “healthy” for “single” and “unhealthy” for “evil”, for example. What does it mean to be “single”? My concordance defines the Greek word haplous as “from a (as a particle of union) and the base of pleko (to twist or braid) – folded together, i.e. single (figuratively clear)”.

I want my life to be single like a crystal – all one piece, all together. I want my life to have integrity – to be all the same, no matter which angle you look at me from. Only Jesus can wash away the impurity in my life and leave me “clear”.

Single can also be used in “single-minded”, a phrases that is commonly familiar. To be single-minded is to be focused on one purpose, even to the exclusion of all others. Since I am relationally-single and cannot be single-minded about a “lady in my life”, I find myself attempting to re-focus onto a single purpose. Save your discussion about focusing one's life on a significant other; I know the inherent pitfalls but edited out caveats for brevity and clarity.

As I mentioned before, shooting is often a solitary sport. I often enjoy the solitude enforced by the hearing protection. When I used to shoot competitively, our coach taught us that over 90% of a perfect shot is mental. Believing you can do it, focusing intently, and refusing to overthink your shot all increase your proficiency.

Intense mental focus has become a way of life when I shoot. When I pick up a gun, all that matters is me, my firearm, and my target. The world fades away, surrounding gunfire quiets, and I find my center, my “zone”. Shooting provides instant feedback to the idea of “as you believe, so you are” - if you believe you are no good, you won't try and your groups will be huge. If you have strong confidence (and basic skills), your shots will show it.

I showed up to the Appleseed to learn, not knowing how I might compare to other shooters or if the teaching would be relevant. I knew I should have prepared more than I did (which was none), and wondered if my lack of experience with my rifle or lack of theoretical practice/study would handicap me. As the first day progressed, though, I found my groove and the rifle skills that I had neglected for so long, and I started to find my confidence again. By the end of the day, I knew that I had an opportunity to excel if I could maintain my level of performance and implement everything I was taught. By Sunday morning, when we were to be tested on the “Quick'N'Dirty Army Qualification Test”, I felt pretty comfortable with all I had to do. The co-worker who invited me to the shoot stopped by my firing point just before we were to commence so he could make encouraging comments , which didn't add any pressure at all. (insert rolling eyes here) String of fire after string of fire were called, and I strove to shoot well as well as try to find the bullet holes on my target. Twenty-five yards was far enough that the under-quarter-inch holes were all but invisible.

All that to say that for the weekend, especially the period of the QDAQT, all that was in my mind was shooting. I was completely "single" (using our definition above) in that moment and crystal clear.

You know, I wonder about Samuel and Lydia. I imagine that as a betrothed couple, they were dedicated to each other. They were “together”, yet I imagine “single” in the sense of dedicated to each other. Definitely they were both “single” in the sense of focused on what was best for their community. It seems that the first (single-minded dedication to each other) might well be a pipe dream in today's day and age, held only by the delusional. The second, though, might be achievable in my life. I might be able to succeed at pursuing a purpose, an ideal.

To go back to Lord Percy's quote at the beginning, what am I “all about”? Appleseed encouraged me to put time and energy into my community, but what is worth getting involved? What will be the great cause of my life? Obviously Jesus and following Him has to be the foundation of my life, but what will be the rest of the house? Wilberforce had his fight against slavery, Mueller had his orphans, but what about Larson? What will become my life's work?

My current philosophy has been to pick something important to me and to do whatever is necessary to excel in it. For example, I would like to greatly improve my shooting skill this year. I took time to plan what I wanted to accomplish (attend an Appleseed, compete in an IDPA match, etc.), to lay out steps to accomplish it, then to execute them. I've purchased a few firearms in the last few months and established a model that works very well – decide a role to fill, check my budget to see what I can afford, research possibilities to fill that role, watch my local gun stores for something fitting my needs and budget, then be ready to move quickly when that appears. Of course, all worldly goals do not provide much long-term satisfaction because they are, in some sense, perishable.

Spiritual goals are much harder to fit into this model, but I'm trying. Find the deficiency to fill, decide how I could fill it and what I'm willing to sacrifice, then do it. As such, I'm investigating potential ministries to be involved in at church, attending church as often as possible to provide opportunities to hear God, and taking chances on things that may help me grow my life spiritually.

“Everybody sing like it's the last song you will ever sing
Tell me, tell me, do you feel the pressure now?
Everybody live like it's the last day you will ever see
Tell me, tell me, do you feel the pressure now?

Alright, so you think you're ready?
Okay, then you say this with me, go
We were born for this
We were born for this”
- Paramore, “Born For This”

I remain asking the question expressed in the above – what can I talk about, saying I was “born for this”?


As near as I can figure, my life is to work hard, shoot well, and love deeply. Work is challenging and provides me opportunities to excel, taking care of the first. As to the second, well, maybe this picture will answer that.



As to the third – well, that's for God to decide where I should spend my efforts. Each time I date (and love), I give of myself to watch it ripped away. But God gives (as well as takes away) and God heals and makes broken things beautiful...in His time.

What are you all about? About what can you be single-minded?

Appleseed – Single Part 1

“I am free without you
It's times like these that make me see
How free I'm gonna be without you

This is the end of the hypocrisy
Gonna watch it burn”
- Darling Thieves, “Free Without You”

"Say you want to stay, you want me to
Say you'll never die you'll always haunt me
I want to know I belong to you
Say you'll haunt me"
- Stone Sour, "Say You'll Haunt Me"

(I knew there should be more “single” lyrics, but didn't feel like finding some that weren't vindictive or hurtful. These will have to do.)

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." - Martin Luther King Jr.

[I went to an “Appleseed Shoot” a couple weekends ago (4/16-4/17). Without great detail, it was a 2-day event covering rifle marksmanship fundamentals, Revolutionary War history, and admonition to be a positive force in your community. You can find more info at www.appleseedinfo.org.]

(Disclaimer: Politics and firearm ownership are often highly-charged subjects. Over the course of our discussion, I will present my life the way it is with regard to these two subjects. You don't have to agree with the way my life is, but that's not what I want to write about.)

In a previous entry, I wrote about how I came to a greater understanding of the sacrifices made for my country and my freedom. I wrote about how I felt that the sacrifices I had made in my dating relationship were all for naught. After further consideration, there were a few other things I wanted to tease out of that snarl of thoughts and emotions.

Many years ago, people had beliefs that they'd fight for and people they valued enough to fight and die for. As I consider my life, I can pick out a few beliefs that I'd fight for. At a previous time, I would easily have said that I'd fight for Mary. Unfortunately, she apparently did not feel the same. I should be thankful that I am not called to fight for either my beliefs or my friends/ “significant other” on a frequent basis, and I am. However, sometimes I find myself wishing for someone for whom I could claim to fight, someone worth the effort.

In the relational sense of the word, I am definitely “single”.

Sometimes I'm pretty dissatisfied with “single” for any number of reasons. In true engineer fashion, though, I've attempted to dissect it for reasons I'm discontent and reasons I should be grateful. It turns out that God has almost deliberately put me in this spot. Without someone else in my life, it's time to move my life fast and far in a direction that pleases God. It's time to reconnect to my spiritual and “emotional” (for lack of a better word) roots, and to root out beliefs that will hamstring me in my future life.

To Be Continued...

Touched As If By Fire

Last weekend, my friend Matt and I journeyed to a local park to finish something I'd had a long time coming.

In Josh Harris's second book “Boy Meets Girl”, he tells the story of a young man who, after God told him to put his relationship on hold, buries the tangible parts of his relationship under a tree in his intended's yard. This was a “physical manifestation of a spiritual reality” as Jay says, a reminder that the relationship was gone.

After the end of my first dating relationship, I gathered all the tangible memories I could find and put them in a box. Not knowing exactly what to do with it, I just taped it shut and tucked it in some stack of boxes. Over the next few years, I moved several times (gotta love college), and the “Andie box” kept getting shuffled into nooks and crannies.

“Can you see inside the box? Can you be just like one of us? For those who can see inside the box will live forever And all the rest are dying soon”
-“The Box”, Abney Park

A couple years later when I started dating Mary, I remembered that I had a box of random stuff that I should do something about. I still didn't know what to do with it, so it stayed in the corner of my room under a stack of much more interesting stuff. When that relationship suddenly ended, I was left with a life full of “stuff”...which somehow reminded me of the box of random “stuff” from a different woman. After mentioning it to Matt one night, he said something on the order of “You can't have that any more. I'm taking it from your house and you're not going to argue.” So my “Andie box” went away, but I knew that it was only a temporary solution.

In my heart post-Andie, I saw ashes and destruction, as documented here. Last weekend, I followed through and reduced to ashes what little reminder remained.

Here's what dead hopes and dreams look like in case you've ever wondered. Not much to see, in a way.



Although the relationship and the accompanying feelings were long gone, I got a satisfying feeling of closure to see it all actually disappear. As I watched the flames, I pondered how many analogies to fire exist in life. The Holy Spirit is a fire, passion in your heart is a fire. Fire purifies, but fire also destroys. Fire provides warmth, which is life, but fire can burn and deprive you of that very life.

Since Matt isn't a slight pyro like me (hey, I like fire), he asked if we should include a ritual or some such. I responded that I didn't know, burning stuff seemed ritualistic enough to me. He looked up some relevant Bible passages that fit with “moving on” and not being stuck in old stuff.

“And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”
- Revelations 21:3-5

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”
- Isaiah 43:18-19

In “Hinds Feet on High Places”, every time Much Afraid goes through a significant experience with God, she picks up an evocative pebble to remind her of the lesson learned. In the end, every pebble becomes a jewel – every trial and tribulation becomes something that makes her even more beautiful in the eyes of her King. When my friend Alyssa was putting together her “husband box” containing items that defined her as a person, one of the things she included was a small jar of ashes from old boyfriends' notes. Alyssa did it as a reminder that whenever and whomever she married, her heart would be completely his.

After the flames died down, I also collected some of the ashes. Why? Because it's a reminder of where I've been, the lessons I've learned and what God has done in me since.


“Stir the embers of my heart Burn away all that is not yours Fan the fire, keep it bright Steal away all I've claimed as mine. I'm yours. Save me from myself here as I am Call me forward from where I stand Spread wide this fire till all I can see Exalted Jesus, living in me”

- "Stir the Embers", Josh Holloran



My life is in a time of sifting and a time of offering broken dead things to the flame, however I know that it's the way to follow God.

(P.S. If you ever see me and my laptop, ask to see the non-politically-correct version of the second picture...)