Appleseed – Alone

“Every living thing dies alone” - Donnie Darko

“Whisper to my heart
When hope is torn apart
And no one can save you

I walk alone
Every step I take
I walk alone “
- Tarja Turunen

[Or insert your favorite “alone” lyrics.]

[I went to an “Appleseed Shoot” a couple weekends ago (4/16-4/17). Without great detail, it was a 2-day event covering rifle marksmanship fundamentals, Revolutionary War history, and admonition to be a positive force in your community. You can find more info at www.appleseedinfo.org.]

(Disclaimer: Politics and firearm ownership are often highly-charged subjects. Over the course of our discussion, I will present my life the way it is with regard to these two subjects. You don't have to agree with the way my life is, but that's not what I want to write about.)

I really enjoyed my Appleseed a couple weekends ago. I was grateful for the time I got to spend outside, even though we had to persevere through some unfavorable weather. To quote the instructors, “A Rifleman perseveres!” We were told that it would be a rain-or-shine shoot but both days were canceled early because the wind was starting to become a safety hazard by disturbing unattended rifles. I was grateful for the instruction I was given, and grateful that I got a day and a half of “trigger time”. Practice makes perfect (actually permanent) and I enjoyed the opportunity to maintain and hone my rifle skills.

OK, so here's the best way to visualize a rifle range if you've never been to one. In the distance is some sort of target backer, whether plywood on posts or wires strung between poles with cardboard (or similar) attached. Behind is a berm to catch bullets. In the foreground is typically some sort of firing line marked in the ground, with various collections of shooting gear arranged just so by the shooter's preference. Rifles typically eject spent casings to the right, so shooting lanes commonly fill from left to right. Right-handed shooters face to the right of their target, so everything is slanted accordingly. Because of the slant, most shooters are much more interactive with the person on the right than the person on the left. During actual shooting, there's a row of us all intently focused downrange with rifles to our shoulders and instructors pacing the line giving hints and the occasional safety directive.

Shooting can be an individualistic or a social event. At my usual indoor range, it's pretty individualistic. Floor-to-ceiling dividers keep shooters' brass from hitting the person next to them and individual target runners allow each person to change targets at their own pace. Except for the gunfire and occasionally seeing targets move in your peripheral vision, shooting at the indoor range feels like you're by yourself. Indoor shooting is definitely an inward-focused experience. At an outdoor-range Appleseed, everyone has name tags and was present for their own reasons. Circulating the crowd for stories and “how's your day going” feels much more organic in such an environment.

At Appleseed, I noticed an interesting phenomenon. I've seen it in other places, but it was particularly noticeable this weekend. I took my younger brother with me. He still shoots competitively at various levels, often in very demanding competitions with strict rules and high equipment requirements. I brought Joseph because it felt like a good big-brother thing to do and I thought he might enjoy it. I didn't realize until the end of the weekend how much I appreciated having someone to share my experience with. It's one thing to do cool things, it's another to do cool things with people. “With people” means the opportunity to laugh or commiserate later over shared experiences. The range was about an hour drive from my house, and the drive would have been long, quiet, and boring with nobody to share it with.

The first morning, someone next to us was shooting a louder rifle, so I placed Joseph on my right (we both had .22's as did the young man to our immediate right, whereas the guy to my left was shooting an AR-15). For consistency, we kept the same firing point all weekend (reducing but not eliminating crossfire situations), while the AR-15 shooter moved down the line after struggling with his rifle on Saturday. My neighbors were more agreeable shooters on Sunday, but I didn't get much chance to get to know them.

I tend to be quite task-focused as was illustrated in tight concentration on my shooting. In my aural background, I could hear Joseph sometimes visiting with his neighbor (to the right, of course). By the end of the first day, he had found out his neighbor's name, where he was from, where he went to school and about a half-dozen other things. What did I have to show for myself? Well, I had nice tight groups on target, I suppose, and hadn't taken any brass to the face from my neighbor to the left, which was a “win”. At the end of the weekend, I had achieved a higher score (exceeding the goal I'd set for myself), mostly because Joseph had experienced equipment problems (dust and rifles don't agree).

I've seen this other places – my siblings make friends quickly and spend large amounts of time with their new-found friend while I focus on my task, excel at it, and not meet new people. At my old church, I felt looked down upon for neglecting people in order to do stuff. I did actually meet people and have quality conversations, just less of them, and I was OK with that. It did make me occasionally wonder if my priorities were well-placed, though.

It seems that wherever I am, I am alone. “Alone in a crowd” is a very real and normal feeling. Even with few or many friends, I'm still, at some level, by myself. The feeling was much diminished when I was with Mary, and to a lesser extent with my first girlfriend, because I knew that she always was aware of me and interacting with me. Being with somebody doesn't make it go away, though. God is always with me and it's a good thing, because otherwise I feel that I would sometimes walk through life as a ghost, not seen, not heard, not touched.

What do you think? Is that the way that the world is – not noting the individual, only seeing the standout, the person who purposefully calls attention to himself/herself?