Darkness

“Are you afraid of the dark?”
-Pitch Black, tagline

(I decided to try something new this time. I'm not sure I quite have the words arranged the way I want, but it's as good as I'm going to get it. This may get unpublished or rewritten for improvement in the future ... Lastly, my examples do include plot spoilers, which I wouldn't want to take you unaware.)

“Will you guide me now, for I can't see

A reason for the suffering and this long misery

[...]

There will be sorrow...“
Bad Religion, “Sorrow”

When I was younger and read more, I read the Abhorsen trilogy by Garth Nix. Although there were a few scenes I didn't care for, the world and the story were immensely compelling and prone to deep immersion. In Nix's world of Ancelstierre and the Old Kingdom, there is no god, no higher power to ensure the “goodness” of the world. Many times, the destiny of the whole world hangs in the balance with the only person who can fight back struggling just to stand their ground.

Necromancers roam the land, raising the dead through terrible rituals. The (un)dead fear running water and fire, but little else gives them pause. The mere sight of a Gore Crow (the form of a crow, but animated by a weak dead spirit) is enough to strike fear into the everyday Old Kingdom citizen. Low-level undead like Gore Crows or Dead Hands (which are somewhat similar to zombies) can eventually be nonmagically killed by explosives, but only great difficulty. As the power of the controlling necromancer and the re-animated spirit increase, nothing short of powerful magic will harm them and restore the safety and purity of the land.

As a soul dies, it passes into the first of nine levels of death, separated by the Gates. Death is a place of uniform grey, of water everywhere flowing towards each Gate and deeper Death. The current is often strong, and anyone who enters Death must be constantly on alert else they be swept under. The dead spirits may be called back to serve in Life until they pass the Ninth Gate into true death. The Old Kingdom has seen a lot of death over the years. Sometimes, in a place marked by many deaths or particularly evil deeds, a rift between the kingdoms of the living and the dead is formed, allowing dead spirits to walk unbidden back into the land of the living.

Even magic, that great mainstay of fantasy, is malevolent in the Old Kingdom. Charter Magic is bounded in symbols, with a symbol for everything. It is relatively safe, and practiced by those who strive to protect the people and keep light in the land. Powerful Charter Magic is known by only a few, and has an unfortunate tendency of burning or killing those who dare to speak its words and trace its symbols. Free Magic, always distinguishable by a metallic stench noticeable in the back of the throat and burning throughout the nostrils, can only be bound by powerful Charter Magic, but is itself wont unto twist in upon the user and corrupt or destroy them utterly. All know the sight of Free Magic, which prompts an immediate violent reaction in an effort to purge it from the land.

Alone against the evil is a figure called the Abhorsen. Much like there are always two Sith or one Slayer, there can only ever be one Abhorsen. Usually there is also one Abhorsen-in-Waiting, who will be called upon the death of the current Abhorsen. The Abhorsen is often mistaken for a dangerous Free Magic sorcerer/sorceress - their dangerous and unique calling requires that they utilize both Free Magic and Charter Magic. She (less often, he) is tasked with freeing the land from the dead who walk again, sending them past the Ninth Gate into eternal rest. To do this, occasionally the Abhorsen must cross into Death itself, risking life and limb every time.

The trademark of both the necromancer and the Abhorsen (leading to the above confusion) is a bandolier of seven bells. They say that the bells contain seven of the great spirits who were present at the foundation of the world. The bells range in size from a pill bottle to a large jar. All who hear the bells ring must obey, unless they possess great strength of will. And woe unto the heedless person who rings the bells without possessing the skill and clarity of mind to bend the bells to their will! Such a person, by invoking the Free Magic of the bells, may themselves be cast into Death or even greater peril. Each bell has a personality and a function. It is said that each bell takes after a Bright Shiner who lent their essence to the creation of the Great Charter. From Ranna the Sleeper to Dyrim the Speaker through Saraneth the Binder, the power and risk of each bell increases from smallest to largest.

“It's like one thousand paper cuts,

soaked in vinegar.

Like the battles with yourself,

that leave you insecure.”
The Spill Canvas, “Battles”

“I see the evil rising,

The rise of evil “
Sabaton, “Rise of Evil”

Last week, I was talking to a good friend who has been following my life by email. She asked how I was doing, and not knowing how to briefly answer, I settled for “Some days are good, some days are bad.” “Yes, but the results of all your processing seems like you're on the upswing”, she responded. I sure hope so. I can see the darkness inside. It's deep and dark and doesn't seem that far under the surface.

“There's a part in every day,

where I lie to myself and say that it's okay.

'cause if I don't I think I'll go insane.

But the truth is, I only have myself to blame. “
The Spill Canvas, “The Truth”

It wouldn't take much to scrape away the “happy” and the “joyful”, leaving the dismal and depression to ooze out. Of course my friend sees the good days; they're the ones that show. The bad days aren't necessarily outwardly bad. They usually take the form of usually Kenton getting lost in himself.

“It's all just a numbing charade

Until the day you finally wake up,

and you're not

afraid.”
The Spill Canvas, “The Truth”

The largest and most imposing bell is Astarael. Astarael is the spirit of remembrance and of sorrow.

“Astarael, the Sorrowful,” whispered Sabriel. Astarael was the banisher, the final bell. Properly rung, it cast everyone who heard it far into Death. Everyone, including the ringer.
Garth Nix, Sabriel

When one of the protagonists unexpectedly encountered the remaining essence of Astarael the Bright Shiner, the first evidence was a smell of rosemary (an herb associated with memory). As they continued walking, it seemed like everything they knew to be true in the world disappeared. The Charter, the strong magic foundation of the world, seemed to vanish, leaving just emptiness and the overwhelming desire to give up, relinquishing the drive to live.

Sometimes I feel that, in the end, Sorrow really is all that is left. That, even among all the good in my life, and all the “progress” I make, the sound of sorrow will cut through everything else. If that happens, it feels like all around me, and especially me, will be thrown far into the grey nothingness of depression and figurative death. I wonder if when Sorrow comes, if all on which I depend will become an illusion, like smoke on the wind.

It started softly, like a tuning fork lightly struck, but grew, a pure note, blown by a trumpeter of inexhaustible breath, till there was nothing but the sound. The sound of Astarael. Sabriel and Touchstone both stopped, almost in mid-stride. They felt a terrible urge to leave their bodies, to shuck them off as so much worn-out baggage. Their spirits—their essential selves—wanted to go, to go into Death and plunge joyfully into the strongest current, to be carried to the very end.

Garth Nix, Sabriel

Finally, Lirael swung Astarael, and her mournful tone joined the ring of sound and magic that surrounded Orannis. Normally, Weeper would throw all who heard her into Death. Here, combined with the other six voices, her sound evoked a sorrow that could not be answered. Together, the bells and Dog sang a song that was more than sound and power. It was the song of the earth, the moon, the stars, the sea, and the sky, of Life and Death and all that was and would be.

Garth Nix, Abhorsen

Sorrow. The Weeper. All that was, and all that would be. Joyfully into the strongest current, just to be carried to the very end. A sorrow that could not be answered. Welcome to what I see in the depths of my heart.

Epilogue

As I was writing this and collecting quotes, one subsequent passage struck me, as if it was the partial answer to my sentiments

“Think of Life!” screamed Sabriel, her voice only just audible through the pure note. She could feel Touchstone dying, his will insufficient to hold him in Life. He seemed almost to expect this sudden summons into Death.
“Fight it!” she screamed again, dropping her sword to slap him across the face. “Live!” Still he slipped away. Desperate, she grabbed him by the ears, and kissed him savagely, biting his lip, the salty blood filling both their mouths. His eyes cleared, and she felt him concentrate again, concentrate on Life, on living. His sword fell, and he brought his arms up around her and returned her kiss. Then he put his head on her shoulder, and she on his, and they held each other tightly till the single note of Astarael slowly died.

Garth Nix, Sabriel

Think of Life! Fight! Choose life! Though it may be the hardest thing ever, it will be required every day that I want my heart and my spirit to live. There are people around who help me (all the farther I'm taking the analogy), even taking time away from their goals to call me back from the brink of darkness.

If you read the book, you'll learn that Touchstone has been deeply wounded by his past. He was witness to something terrible that he was powerless to stop, but which left deep marks on his heart. Over the course of the book, Sabriel has to help support him emotionally as he struggles to come to terms with his “baggage” and how it affects his future. Even at the end of the book (which I excerpted above), when he's almost back to himself, she has to reach out for him one more time so that he doesn't give up and retreat from life.

Now, if I was a good writer, I would take the time to connect all the dots and how this hooks into my life. However, to do so would remove both the need for "critical reading" and any room for personal interpretation.