One Day

One day more!
Another day, another destiny.
This never-ending road to Calvary
[...]
Tomorrow we'll be far away,
Tomorrow is the judgement day
-Les Miserables

As I struggle through organizing my story in my head, recording my story to share, and writing the story bit by bit through my actions, a commonality that I'm noticing is the milestones in my life that seem similar. On a handful of occasions, there's been days where I woke up convinced my life was on one path, yet by the time I laid my head down that night, my life was completely different. There's of course the “gimme” dates – breakups, relationship beginnings, first days of school. There are also the much more subtle ones, though – the sermon where God “read my mail”, that Sunday that I started down the path that would lead me to leading in ministry and a role on the worship team, and so on.

Within one set or the other are the days that affect my life where I feel unprepared or inadequate. Maybe it was the sunny Sunday morning when a car accident interrupted my dad's drive to church. Maybe it was the day when my relationship with Mary became untenable and no longer viable. Or the evening that a “friend” decided to hand me all the emotional trauma in her life (and thereby blame me when I didn't fulfill her expectations). So goes the list in part. Each time left its mark, whether shallow or deep, whether devastating or merely puzzling. And I'd be lying if I said that I was completely ready for any of the above events.

I argue with God about this sometimes. I say, “Gee God, I'd like to have known about that beforehand so I could either get my stuff together or brace mentally or something.”

At every Appleseed event, there is a generous helping of America history served at each event revolving around the events of April 19, 1775 (the start of the Revolutionary War). Every shoot includes a re-telling of the “three strikes of the match” as well as other anecdotes of ordinary people who showed courage and made sacrifices for what became the great nation we live in today. I think every time I hear the stories, I notice something new. I feel that that is one characteristic of a good story – seeing it anew every time you approach it - but I digress.

On one occasion, what stood out to me was the simple fact that the battles of Lexington Green, the North Bridge, Concord, and Menotomy all happened on one day. As the storyteller highlighted, the colonials woke up one day as watchful British citizens (albeit with grievances), but went to bed that night as traitors to the crown, able to be executed without trial at any time upon the recognizance of any British officer.

The conflict was years in the building, but in one day, it all reached a head, then overflowed onto all around. What a contrast in a mere 24 hours! The chaos introduced in their lives is nearly unimaginable.

What about my life? Contrast in twenty-four hours much? Why do these days always catch me by surprise? Is each momentous day, as that April 19th so long ago, merely the result of months or years of prep work?

God only gives me two answers to my argument that He should give me some warning. First, He reminds me of the verse that says that He will not tempt past what we can bear. Secondly, I re-discovered a song in my library that I hadn't heard in some time, thanks to the wonders of iTunes DJ (or genius or whatever). (Don't judge me, it's iTunes on a Mac; the only Mac I own) When I was (much) younger, I listened to quite a bit of Michael W. Smith. His song “I Know Your Name” (not to be confused with Chris Cornell's song of a similar name) says in part:

Yes, I know your name
Every prayer you pray
I'm the one who brought you to this place
The voice who sings to you
The hand that clings to you
Oh my child, I've always known your name
Known your name

He's purposely brought me up to every bridge, ford, or river that I've had to cross. He's put them into my life at just the time He intended to, and though I've wondered sometimes if I was going to drown, He has always made sure that the water was deep enough to try my faith, but shallow enough that I could touch bottom, even if it was just barely.

At the end of my thoughts, forgive me for resorting to lyrics again. “Each new day again, I'll choose...” No matter if that day is just another day of the usual grind, or if that day is one that will once again twist my life in a new direction.

When You call I won't refuse
Each new day again I'll choose

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

All my delight is in You, Lord
All of my hope, all of my strength
All my delight is in You, Lord, forevermore
-Hillsong, “None But Jesus”

My Will

“It's my will, I'm not moving
'Cause if it's Your will, then nothing can shake me"

- dc Talk, “My Will”

“My rifle, without me is useless. Without my rifle, I am useless. I must fire my rifle true. I must shoot straighter than my enemy who is trying to kill me. I must shoot him before he shoots me. I will....”


My rifle and myself know that what counts in this war is not the rounds we fire, the noise of our burst, nor the smoke we make. We know that it is the hits that count. We will hit...


My rifle is human, even as I, because it is my life. Thus, I will learn it as a brother. I will learn its weakness, its strength, its parts, its accessories, its sights and its barrel. I will ever guard it against the ravages of weather and damage. I will keep my rifle clean and ready, even as I am clean and ready. We will become part of each other. We will...”
- Part of the USMC Rifleman's Creed

You know, that dangling “I will” always bothered me. There's lots of “I will” statements in that creed, but the incomplete ones always niggled at the back of my mind. I will what?

But this is not a post about the military, or even about rifles.

I've been playing with “I will” statements lately. What will I? “I will follow Jesus” is a good start. “I will go to work this morning” - also a worthy sentiment. But these are short-term immediate “tactical” goals. What about long-term strategic aims?

Appleseed has provided a target to focus some of my passion as of late – I will spend my time instructing others on basic marksmanship and the high tradition they carry as Americans. Appleseed is very focused on mission – there's a list of “we will” and “we will not”. This has served them well as they have accomplished their goal of doubling almost every year for the last six years. Thousands and thousands of people have been the subject of Appleseed's “we will teach this and only this” methodology to seeming success.

What else will I? After the end of my relationship with Mary, I promised myself that I would grow and that I would move on. “I will grow from this experience.” “I will not be stuck here for the rest of my life.” I will...

Pastor Jay used to teach on what he called self-protective vows. These were when you were hurt and promised yourself something that you thought would keep you from getting hurt again. If your father was an alcoholic and made your childhood a living...something, maybe you'd promise “I'll never drink” or “I'll never be an alcoholic.” This seems good, but instead you tether yourself to that point. How far have you come in your life? Well, you're not an alcoholic, so that's all that matters. Or worse, in your efforts to escape it, you become the very thing you were seeking to avoid. In my life, this has taken other forms. After Andie, I think I established to myself that dating would never be worth it. Not a healthy way to live, so I eventually had to dig that one up and leave it behind. After Mary, there was a set of ideas I wanted to make into “I will always” and “I will never”, but I think I've avoided all the harmful ones. The aforementioned “I will grow...” seems benign and even helpful. We'll see how that one turns out.

Sometimes in my more (lucid? imaginative? delusional?) moments, I ponder my self and my reactions to external stimuli. Proverbs says “as iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens his friend.” Sometimes my will is like a blade – it meant to cut through things and push towards a destination, towards the other side. Sometimes it's sharp, sometimes it's dull. Every cook or chef knows that knives have to be sharp to achieve their task. A sharp tool is a useful tool; a dull tool is dangerous and likely to harm its user or surroundings.

When you sharpen a knife, you have to be sure to work both sides of the blade evenly in order to form a symmetric edge that is durable and long-lasting. Sometimes a thin, jagged burr is formed right along the knife edge called a “wire burr”. This wire burr appears sharp, but if used, will quickly fold over and leave your knife dull and useless. Similarly, sometimes my will is focused and assertive and I feel that I'll be able to push through anything. Other times, although it appears sharp, it's really just thin and fragile; any use will break it and I will not achieve any progress in my life. If “I will...”, how much am I dedicated to that and how durable of a purpose/edge is it? Is it something that will easily be turned by a rock in the way, or will it go the distance?

How do I structure my life to reduce the fragile, fickle “will” moments and create more of the solid sharp ones?

Step 3 of the 12-step Celebrate Recovery program reads “We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God.” Herein lies the way to purpose and point my will down a right and sustainable path. If I let God direct my will, than I am far more likely to be able to follow through and not destroy myself in the process.

That's hard though. I have to let God sharpen me, even if it's longer than I think it should be. If I think my life is sharp enough, it may be true or it may be that false sharp wire burr that will fragment if pushed. If I wait until He says “Good,” the odds are much better.

I guess it all goes back to faith - “knowing that God is who he says he is and trusting that he'll do everything he's promised to do.” I guess it goes back to knowing who God is and his will so that I can sit in that place. And that's not easy. In the end though, having a durable “edge” that's sharp and useful has to be worth it. Just as a knife needs its edge kept up at periodic intervals, so I must work on my faith on a regular basis.

Then the “I will...” statements become a lot like God's “I will...” statements and I have to worry less about what to pick to stake my life on.

So what will I? I guess for now, I will trust God. I will walk in the path he's set before me, and I will trust that His timing and plan are actually what's best for me.

I will...

Boxes

One of the highlights I've planned for my summer this year is a week-long “Rifleman's Boot Camp”, an extended marksmanship clinic offered by the RWVA. It's an extended, in-depth version of the RWVA's Appleseed event, as mentioned before (Appleseed - Sacrifice, Appleseed - Alone, Appleseed - Single Part 1, Appleseed - Single Part 2)

The class is held in a relatively remote location. I'm planning on camping on-site to save travel time, gas costs, and my sanity versus spending hours in the car. Both the camping and the shooting will be for a greater duration than I am used to, so I've been steadily “tooling up” for the event for about the last month. So far, it looks like I'm bringing double the equipment for an event that is six times the duration and 50% farther from home than my previous foray. I'm hoping that there's also several times the learning to be had.

It's amazing how much “stuff” I think I need. There's ammo to buy, camping supplies to gather or purchase, car-packing logistics to figure out, and so much more. I think part of it is my “camping” style. Not being proficient due to lack of practice, my methodology is often “open the trunk and shove in a bunch of stuff, hoping that it all works out.” Because of the (mostly self-imposed) demands of this trip, I'm trying to shove in as much stuff as I can to increase the odds of it “working out”.

As I prepare for my week-long trip, I was at my parents' house digging through stuff I left stashed there. Even though it's been a handful of years, I just somehow never get around to packing up all the things I left behind. I knew I had a couple things which would facilitate my trip, but my boxes had long been shuffled into long-term storage. So there I was, on a hot July afternoon, digging through dusty boxes in a cluttered, unventilated outbuilding, looking for something I vaguely remembered I had. Although failing my primary objectives, I did snag some “secondary objective” stuff that will be nice to have at my own house.

I noticed some interesting facts. Teenage Kenton had some good taste in purchases; some of the stuff I brought back has genuine utility for me to this day. Adult Kenton is at least a little impressed that Teenage Kenton made such good choices. Teenage Kenton also kept a lot of just plain junk. For Adult Kenton to be happy with the quantity of his possessions, Adult Kenton will have to sort through many boxes of stuff good only for recycling.

I remembered as I was digging through boxes that I worked hard and spent hours and hard-earned dollars on some of the items that I now consider worthless. Money is just a tool to get where you want to be; the cost didn't bother me. The amount of time I spent was a different matter. It was slightly disconcerting to remember just how many hours I spent either planning a purchase, improvising something I couldn't afford to purchase, or implementing a recent purchase.

The lesson at hand is one I should apply as I try to fill perceived needs for new “stuff” in my life this summer. Remember at the beginning as I talked about all the things I think I need for my summer to go well? How much of it will make me look back in a couple years and say “why did I buy that? That item is completely valueless to me and I don't know why I thought it was so important at the time.” That's a pretty sobering lesson in and of itself, but then God started poking me and it got worse.

What about my spiritual life? What are the things that I ask God for, then beg God for, then whine at God when I don't get? What are the areas in my life where I look at God and say “Gee, my life would be complete if I only had... or if I only knew...”? If God fulfilled my wants, would I look back in a year or two and go “Wow, that really wasn't necessary in my life”? Are “wants” purely for short-term value before being discarded or packed away in a box?

How would one determine which spiritual “needs” have lasting value and which are just spiritual candy that I'll forget about shortly? The theologically-correct answer is that my desires should be filtered through the personality and word of God. Such an answer is a little unhelpful, though, as my Bible doesn't say “spending time with this or that friend is not the best use of your time” or “pathologically refreshing your Facebook isn't a way to make friends and influence people.”

I think almost everyone knows the feeling of hearing theory that seems sound and correct, but not knowing how to adapt it to everyday life. This is one of those rough places for me – filtering God's person and plan into my everyday life.

Wait, let's keep digging just a little farther down! I've been doing a lot of thinking after the end of my most recent dating relationship. Although I'm thankful that healing after ended relationships has not become a routine part of my life, I still would sometimes rather not figure it out from scratch every time.

In my heart, there's a pile of boxes labeled “memories of Mary.” Since our relationship lasted for more than a short time, it's more like a pile than it is like one box. Most of the time, I think everything in every one of those boxes is important. I put time and emotional energy into each and every moment. After the breakup, all the memories got packed up and shoved into a corner because I needed them out of my way and off my floor, so to speak.

I wonder how those boxes will age. Will the memories become fonder as they age, like wine, meat, or cheese? Or, like the leftovers that get forgotten in my fridge, will they just get fuzzy, turn colors, and smell bad? Which are the memories worth keeping, and which are hanging around waiting to be dismissed? I'd like the room back that they are taking up. I guess just like teenage Kenton's boxes of electronics, time will give perspective and I have to rent floor space for a while longer.

Appleseed – Single Part 2

(Go read Part 1 - I'll wait here for you)

“During the whole affair, the rebels attacked us in a very scattered, irregular manner, but with perseverance and resolution, nor did they ever dare to form into a regular body. Indeed they knew too well what was proper, to do so. Whoever looks upon them as an irregular mob, will find himself very much mistaken. They have men amongst them who know very well what they are about, having been employed as rangers against the Indians and Canadians, and this country being very much covered with wood, and hilly, is very advantageous for their method of fighting.”
- Lord Hugh Percy

Once to every man and nation, comes the moment to decide,
In the strife of truth with falsehood, for the good or evil side;
Some great cause, some great decision, offering each the bloom or blight,
And the choice goes by forever, ’twixt that darkness and that light.

Then to side with truth is noble, when we share her wretched crust,
Ere her cause bring fame and profit, and ’tis prosperous to be just;
Then it is the brave man chooses while the coward stands aside,
Till the multitude make virtue of the faith they had denied.
-”Once to Every Man and Nation”, James Lowell

[I went to an “Appleseed Shoot” a couple weekends ago (4/16-4/17). Without great detail, it was a 2-day event covering rifle marksmanship fundamentals, Revolutionary War history, and admonition to be a positive force in your community. You can find more info at www.appleseedinfo.org.]

(Disclaimer: Politics and firearm ownership are often highly-charged subjects. Over the course of our discussion, I will present my life the way it is with regard to these two subjects. You don't have to agree with the way my life is, but that's not what I want to write about.)

“The light of the body is the eye: if therefore thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light. But if thine eye be evil, thy whole body shall be full of darkness. If therefore the light that is in thee be darkness, how great is that darkness!”
- Matthew 6:22-23, KJV

God brought this verse to me the other day when I was considering the idea of “single”. I quote here the King James since other translations choose different words. The NIV chooses “healthy” for “single” and “unhealthy” for “evil”, for example. What does it mean to be “single”? My concordance defines the Greek word haplous as “from a (as a particle of union) and the base of pleko (to twist or braid) – folded together, i.e. single (figuratively clear)”.

I want my life to be single like a crystal – all one piece, all together. I want my life to have integrity – to be all the same, no matter which angle you look at me from. Only Jesus can wash away the impurity in my life and leave me “clear”.

Single can also be used in “single-minded”, a phrases that is commonly familiar. To be single-minded is to be focused on one purpose, even to the exclusion of all others. Since I am relationally-single and cannot be single-minded about a “lady in my life”, I find myself attempting to re-focus onto a single purpose. Save your discussion about focusing one's life on a significant other; I know the inherent pitfalls but edited out caveats for brevity and clarity.

As I mentioned before, shooting is often a solitary sport. I often enjoy the solitude enforced by the hearing protection. When I used to shoot competitively, our coach taught us that over 90% of a perfect shot is mental. Believing you can do it, focusing intently, and refusing to overthink your shot all increase your proficiency.

Intense mental focus has become a way of life when I shoot. When I pick up a gun, all that matters is me, my firearm, and my target. The world fades away, surrounding gunfire quiets, and I find my center, my “zone”. Shooting provides instant feedback to the idea of “as you believe, so you are” - if you believe you are no good, you won't try and your groups will be huge. If you have strong confidence (and basic skills), your shots will show it.

I showed up to the Appleseed to learn, not knowing how I might compare to other shooters or if the teaching would be relevant. I knew I should have prepared more than I did (which was none), and wondered if my lack of experience with my rifle or lack of theoretical practice/study would handicap me. As the first day progressed, though, I found my groove and the rifle skills that I had neglected for so long, and I started to find my confidence again. By the end of the day, I knew that I had an opportunity to excel if I could maintain my level of performance and implement everything I was taught. By Sunday morning, when we were to be tested on the “Quick'N'Dirty Army Qualification Test”, I felt pretty comfortable with all I had to do. The co-worker who invited me to the shoot stopped by my firing point just before we were to commence so he could make encouraging comments , which didn't add any pressure at all. (insert rolling eyes here) String of fire after string of fire were called, and I strove to shoot well as well as try to find the bullet holes on my target. Twenty-five yards was far enough that the under-quarter-inch holes were all but invisible.

All that to say that for the weekend, especially the period of the QDAQT, all that was in my mind was shooting. I was completely "single" (using our definition above) in that moment and crystal clear.

You know, I wonder about Samuel and Lydia. I imagine that as a betrothed couple, they were dedicated to each other. They were “together”, yet I imagine “single” in the sense of dedicated to each other. Definitely they were both “single” in the sense of focused on what was best for their community. It seems that the first (single-minded dedication to each other) might well be a pipe dream in today's day and age, held only by the delusional. The second, though, might be achievable in my life. I might be able to succeed at pursuing a purpose, an ideal.

To go back to Lord Percy's quote at the beginning, what am I “all about”? Appleseed encouraged me to put time and energy into my community, but what is worth getting involved? What will be the great cause of my life? Obviously Jesus and following Him has to be the foundation of my life, but what will be the rest of the house? Wilberforce had his fight against slavery, Mueller had his orphans, but what about Larson? What will become my life's work?

My current philosophy has been to pick something important to me and to do whatever is necessary to excel in it. For example, I would like to greatly improve my shooting skill this year. I took time to plan what I wanted to accomplish (attend an Appleseed, compete in an IDPA match, etc.), to lay out steps to accomplish it, then to execute them. I've purchased a few firearms in the last few months and established a model that works very well – decide a role to fill, check my budget to see what I can afford, research possibilities to fill that role, watch my local gun stores for something fitting my needs and budget, then be ready to move quickly when that appears. Of course, all worldly goals do not provide much long-term satisfaction because they are, in some sense, perishable.

Spiritual goals are much harder to fit into this model, but I'm trying. Find the deficiency to fill, decide how I could fill it and what I'm willing to sacrifice, then do it. As such, I'm investigating potential ministries to be involved in at church, attending church as often as possible to provide opportunities to hear God, and taking chances on things that may help me grow my life spiritually.

“Everybody sing like it's the last song you will ever sing
Tell me, tell me, do you feel the pressure now?
Everybody live like it's the last day you will ever see
Tell me, tell me, do you feel the pressure now?

Alright, so you think you're ready?
Okay, then you say this with me, go
We were born for this
We were born for this”
- Paramore, “Born For This”

I remain asking the question expressed in the above – what can I talk about, saying I was “born for this”?


As near as I can figure, my life is to work hard, shoot well, and love deeply. Work is challenging and provides me opportunities to excel, taking care of the first. As to the second, well, maybe this picture will answer that.



As to the third – well, that's for God to decide where I should spend my efforts. Each time I date (and love), I give of myself to watch it ripped away. But God gives (as well as takes away) and God heals and makes broken things beautiful...in His time.

What are you all about? About what can you be single-minded?

Appleseed – Single Part 1

“I am free without you
It's times like these that make me see
How free I'm gonna be without you

This is the end of the hypocrisy
Gonna watch it burn”
- Darling Thieves, “Free Without You”

"Say you want to stay, you want me to
Say you'll never die you'll always haunt me
I want to know I belong to you
Say you'll haunt me"
- Stone Sour, "Say You'll Haunt Me"

(I knew there should be more “single” lyrics, but didn't feel like finding some that weren't vindictive or hurtful. These will have to do.)

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." - Martin Luther King Jr.

[I went to an “Appleseed Shoot” a couple weekends ago (4/16-4/17). Without great detail, it was a 2-day event covering rifle marksmanship fundamentals, Revolutionary War history, and admonition to be a positive force in your community. You can find more info at www.appleseedinfo.org.]

(Disclaimer: Politics and firearm ownership are often highly-charged subjects. Over the course of our discussion, I will present my life the way it is with regard to these two subjects. You don't have to agree with the way my life is, but that's not what I want to write about.)

In a previous entry, I wrote about how I came to a greater understanding of the sacrifices made for my country and my freedom. I wrote about how I felt that the sacrifices I had made in my dating relationship were all for naught. After further consideration, there were a few other things I wanted to tease out of that snarl of thoughts and emotions.

Many years ago, people had beliefs that they'd fight for and people they valued enough to fight and die for. As I consider my life, I can pick out a few beliefs that I'd fight for. At a previous time, I would easily have said that I'd fight for Mary. Unfortunately, she apparently did not feel the same. I should be thankful that I am not called to fight for either my beliefs or my friends/ “significant other” on a frequent basis, and I am. However, sometimes I find myself wishing for someone for whom I could claim to fight, someone worth the effort.

In the relational sense of the word, I am definitely “single”.

Sometimes I'm pretty dissatisfied with “single” for any number of reasons. In true engineer fashion, though, I've attempted to dissect it for reasons I'm discontent and reasons I should be grateful. It turns out that God has almost deliberately put me in this spot. Without someone else in my life, it's time to move my life fast and far in a direction that pleases God. It's time to reconnect to my spiritual and “emotional” (for lack of a better word) roots, and to root out beliefs that will hamstring me in my future life.

To Be Continued...

Appleseed – Alone

“Every living thing dies alone” - Donnie Darko

“Whisper to my heart
When hope is torn apart
And no one can save you

I walk alone
Every step I take
I walk alone “
- Tarja Turunen

[Or insert your favorite “alone” lyrics.]

[I went to an “Appleseed Shoot” a couple weekends ago (4/16-4/17). Without great detail, it was a 2-day event covering rifle marksmanship fundamentals, Revolutionary War history, and admonition to be a positive force in your community. You can find more info at www.appleseedinfo.org.]

(Disclaimer: Politics and firearm ownership are often highly-charged subjects. Over the course of our discussion, I will present my life the way it is with regard to these two subjects. You don't have to agree with the way my life is, but that's not what I want to write about.)

I really enjoyed my Appleseed a couple weekends ago. I was grateful for the time I got to spend outside, even though we had to persevere through some unfavorable weather. To quote the instructors, “A Rifleman perseveres!” We were told that it would be a rain-or-shine shoot but both days were canceled early because the wind was starting to become a safety hazard by disturbing unattended rifles. I was grateful for the instruction I was given, and grateful that I got a day and a half of “trigger time”. Practice makes perfect (actually permanent) and I enjoyed the opportunity to maintain and hone my rifle skills.

OK, so here's the best way to visualize a rifle range if you've never been to one. In the distance is some sort of target backer, whether plywood on posts or wires strung between poles with cardboard (or similar) attached. Behind is a berm to catch bullets. In the foreground is typically some sort of firing line marked in the ground, with various collections of shooting gear arranged just so by the shooter's preference. Rifles typically eject spent casings to the right, so shooting lanes commonly fill from left to right. Right-handed shooters face to the right of their target, so everything is slanted accordingly. Because of the slant, most shooters are much more interactive with the person on the right than the person on the left. During actual shooting, there's a row of us all intently focused downrange with rifles to our shoulders and instructors pacing the line giving hints and the occasional safety directive.

Shooting can be an individualistic or a social event. At my usual indoor range, it's pretty individualistic. Floor-to-ceiling dividers keep shooters' brass from hitting the person next to them and individual target runners allow each person to change targets at their own pace. Except for the gunfire and occasionally seeing targets move in your peripheral vision, shooting at the indoor range feels like you're by yourself. Indoor shooting is definitely an inward-focused experience. At an outdoor-range Appleseed, everyone has name tags and was present for their own reasons. Circulating the crowd for stories and “how's your day going” feels much more organic in such an environment.

At Appleseed, I noticed an interesting phenomenon. I've seen it in other places, but it was particularly noticeable this weekend. I took my younger brother with me. He still shoots competitively at various levels, often in very demanding competitions with strict rules and high equipment requirements. I brought Joseph because it felt like a good big-brother thing to do and I thought he might enjoy it. I didn't realize until the end of the weekend how much I appreciated having someone to share my experience with. It's one thing to do cool things, it's another to do cool things with people. “With people” means the opportunity to laugh or commiserate later over shared experiences. The range was about an hour drive from my house, and the drive would have been long, quiet, and boring with nobody to share it with.

The first morning, someone next to us was shooting a louder rifle, so I placed Joseph on my right (we both had .22's as did the young man to our immediate right, whereas the guy to my left was shooting an AR-15). For consistency, we kept the same firing point all weekend (reducing but not eliminating crossfire situations), while the AR-15 shooter moved down the line after struggling with his rifle on Saturday. My neighbors were more agreeable shooters on Sunday, but I didn't get much chance to get to know them.

I tend to be quite task-focused as was illustrated in tight concentration on my shooting. In my aural background, I could hear Joseph sometimes visiting with his neighbor (to the right, of course). By the end of the first day, he had found out his neighbor's name, where he was from, where he went to school and about a half-dozen other things. What did I have to show for myself? Well, I had nice tight groups on target, I suppose, and hadn't taken any brass to the face from my neighbor to the left, which was a “win”. At the end of the weekend, I had achieved a higher score (exceeding the goal I'd set for myself), mostly because Joseph had experienced equipment problems (dust and rifles don't agree).

I've seen this other places – my siblings make friends quickly and spend large amounts of time with their new-found friend while I focus on my task, excel at it, and not meet new people. At my old church, I felt looked down upon for neglecting people in order to do stuff. I did actually meet people and have quality conversations, just less of them, and I was OK with that. It did make me occasionally wonder if my priorities were well-placed, though.

It seems that wherever I am, I am alone. “Alone in a crowd” is a very real and normal feeling. Even with few or many friends, I'm still, at some level, by myself. The feeling was much diminished when I was with Mary, and to a lesser extent with my first girlfriend, because I knew that she always was aware of me and interacting with me. Being with somebody doesn't make it go away, though. God is always with me and it's a good thing, because otherwise I feel that I would sometimes walk through life as a ghost, not seen, not heard, not touched.

What do you think? Is that the way that the world is – not noting the individual, only seeing the standout, the person who purposefully calls attention to himself/herself?

Appleseed - Sacrifice

I went to an “Appleseed Shoot” a couple weekends ago (4/16 and 4/17). Without getting lost in details, it was a 2-day event covering rifle marksmanship fundamentals, Revolutionary War history, and admonition to be a positive force in your community. You can find more info at www.appleseedinfo.org. I now have material for multiple blog posts from just one weekend, making the remaining challenge getting the words out of my head onto paper before they are lost.

(Disclaimer: Politics and firearm ownership are often highly-charged subjects. Over the course of our discussion, I will present my life the way it is with regard to these two subjects. You don't have to agree with the way my life is, but that's not what I want to write about.)

History at Appleseed is presented as a series of stories, each with a moral. Now, when I was in school, I avoided biology and such things because they involved much memorization without easy patterns or rationalization. To some, history is the same way – lists of names and dates with no continuing narrative or rationale. As a person who both speaks and understands in stories, history presented as stories helped some of the morals to sink in better this weekend. I'd like to particularly focus on the story of Samuel Prescott and Lydia Mulliken.

Wikipedia (or Google if you prefer) will set the scene in the early morning of April 19, 1775. Paul Revere and William Dawes had been sent out to raise the countryside in advance of the British military action. Samuel Prescott – Dr. Prescott, actually, as he practiced medicine in the town of Concord – was on his way home from visiting his fiancee (Lydia) who lived in Lexington. From here, I adapt the story as it was told by one of our weekend instructors.

After completing their prearranged route, Revere and Dawes were riding to Concord to secure a colonist supply of arms and ammunition when they ran into Prescott on his way home from visiting Lydia. This was about 1:00 AM. The three rode purposefully, as they knew they were likely not far ahead of the British advance. Soon, all three were accosted by the British, but Prescott was able to escape arrest. Traveling on and rousing yet more minutemen and militia, he arrived in Lexington in time to see the first shots exchanged at Lexington Green.

In the way of this world, two people who love each other and get engaged are generally planning to get married. Everyone likes weddings, at least most people. Weddings are a time of celebration with family and friends and stuff. Engagements are also exciting, also less so and in a different manner. Engagements are a time of both waiting and frantic activity, of planning and organizing. Engagements are exciting because of the promise of something to come – a wedding where all may be excited with the new couple.

Weddings are a time for memories. Nowadays, we remember with photos, videos, and even those odd little favors at your reception table to thank you for coming. In the 18th century, they definitely didn't have the first two and probably skipped the third as well. Imagine, though, if you will, how a wedding portrait may have looked in Samuel and Lydia's mind, had they conceived such a thing. When I heard this story, the words were assisted by a group of volunteers and some light role-playing.

Well, one should definitely start with the happy couple themselves. In the telling, the storyteller picked a married couple and stood them in a blank space. Hopefully you can follow along in your mind's eye. In most weddings that I've attended, family has been an important fixture. Samuel came from a family of eight kids, while Lydia had four brothers and two sisters. Often today, brides/grooms pick family members for bridesmaids and groomsmen, right? It seems like an easy step to assume Samuel and Lydia might have done something similar. In our little roleplaying arena, add in your mind Lydia's older brother Nathanial and Samuel's brother Abel, proudly standing behind their brother and sister. This looks like a pretty good start, but everyone knows that a wedding needs a preacher. Someone needs to say “...pronounce you man and wife” and prompt lines for vows and read “I do's” and stuff. My memory fails me as to the preacher's name, but our roleplayer stood proudly beside the “happy people” already assembled.

I've been in the situation of looking into my future and seeing happiness and joy, even as these people, these families must have. Into every life a little rain must fall, though, and for the Prescott and Mulliken families, the rain was the American Revolution.

Samuel's brother Abel was sent to some more towns to spread the alarm even further, but on his return a British soldier recognized him and shot him. Four months later, he died of his wounds.

Lydia's brother was also a member of the militia and fought bravely for his country and his freedom. Within a year of April 19, 1775, he would die of illness while on campaign.

The reverend whose name I am disappointed to not remember? He died within a year of the war's start.

For each death, remove in your mind's eye the associated person. If you've been keeping count, we're back to just Samuel and Lydia. There is a sentiment in the world that says that if two people have each other, then nothing else in the world matters. Duty called for everyone, though, and Samuel went to war as well. At first, maybe Lydia received letters from her beloved, but then there was nothing.

Samuel Prescott died in a prisoner-of-war camp in Canada in 1777. Lydia never heard of his capture or death. She waited for eight years – EIGHT YEARS – without word.

Remember above, I mentioned the fight in Lexington? As the British soldiers left town, they set fire to some of the town buildings. According to the story, the Mullikens lost all their worldly possessions in that fire.

The image of our roleplayed “Lydia” standing alone while all others had left her was one not easily passed over. The story, as it was told to me, ended in one simple question: “How much did Lydia Mulliken give for her ideals?” Almost unanimously, our group responded: Everything. Her love, her family, her worldly goods. Everything.

That's a pretty heavy story, isn't it? After that, I started looking inside myself, and I had lots of questions. I often have lots of questions and some of them I even find answers for. You know what they say - “far more dangerous the unquestioned answer than the unanswered question”. Even Google doesn't know who “they” are for that one, sorry; but I digress.

Lydia and Samuel were able to sacrifice that much because they had a cause that they strongly believed in – that of a fledgling nation and living in peace and freedom. Did they give all? Yes. Are our lives today richer for it? Unquestionably.

Over the last couple years, I spent a lot of time and emotion setting something up. I had an amazing relationship set up with a young lady. We loved each other, and we were slowly walking toward something more long-term, investing time, effort, and emotion.

Then it all burned down, burned in a fire lit by the girl I trusted. In a moment, in a flash, everything I had worked for and was striving for was stripped away, leaving me alone and bleeding once again. Lydia gave everything for a country. I apparently gave all I had given for a lie, for an unrealistic dream.

Now, I don't figure that those who marched to meet the Redcoats really knew how the fight would turn out in the end. They very much had faith as an “...evidence of things not seen”, believing that their sacrifice would be worthwhile. I have no such assurance – maybe it all is just a futile effort, “running down a dream” to quote Tom Petty. I can look back at 18th century history and know that it's OK now. However, that part of my story hasn't been written yet, and only God can say how it turns out.

Nevertheless, I wonder.


Sources:
https://secure.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/wiki/Samuel_Prescott
http://www.rense.com/general44/pres.htm
http://www.concordma.com/magazine/julaug01/samuelprescott.html