Like the Phoenix

Like A Phoenix...

"First I was afraid/I was petrified/Kept thinking I could never live/without you by my side" - Gloria Gaynor (courtesy of Google...)
"Those who wait upon the Lord will rise up as eagles..." Isaiah 40:31
"I want to fly like an eagle/To the sea/Fly like an eagle/Let my spirit carry me
I want to fly like an eagle/Till I'm free " - Steve Miller Band

I think probably everyone knows the legend of the phoenix. According to a website I found...

The legend of the Phoenix has been around for centuries. There are a few variations, but the basic idea is this: The Phoenix is a supernatural creature, living for 1000 years. Once that time is over, it builds its own funeral pyre, and throws itself into the flames. As it dies, it is reborn anew, and rises from the ashes to live another 1000 years. Alternatively, it lays an egg in the burning coals of the fire which hatches into a new Phoenix, and the life cycle repeats.


This essay will build on my thoughts from the end of my relationship with Andie. The previous post or two should catch you up if you haven't been reading lately.

Anyway, back to the phoenix. Sometimes I can see me in my relationship with Andie as something similar. We lived for a while, and it was cool. (The phoenix is usually beautiful (wikipedia) ) Sadly, though, it seems to have died. If the remains of our relationship were something that I revisited constantly, if I paid homage to a grave, my life would be constantly tethered to that "dead bird body". I would always be reminded of what used to be.

However, the road I choose is different. I choose to recognize that what is past is just that. Especially at the end, it was not healthy for "us", and marginally good for either her or me. We broke up, and although I thought at the time that we might be able to eventually fix stuff, I see now with the passage of time (even though it's been just a few weeks) that our life paths really were different. If you look close enough at two crossing curves, they appear parallel for at least a short distance. With perspective, though, you can see just how far they diverge. With that insight, I have chosen in my mind to figuratively burn what's left of "us". Andie and I may be friends one day, if enough common ground exists. As of right now, though, I've got higher priorities. I choose to burn the old and move on.

If you burn something, it leaves ashes. Wood ash and water are used to make lye, a very corrosive chemical. Think drain cleaner, which is usually lye with additives. If you get lye on your skin, it will chemically destroy it. Sounds painful, I choose not to try :-) In the same way, I could muck about in the ashes of our relationship. Ashes of the past and tears of regret, though, will only make a caustic mess that will make even more painful marks.

The best option by far is to do as the mythical phoenix (except for the mythical part). Our relationship died. The corpus must be put away, permanently. It is only then that I will be able to rise above the old and be made new. Hot air rises, right. If I pay attention to what God is trying to teach me through this hot place, it will be able to lift me higher than I would have been otherwise.

One of the first times I spent an extended amount of time with Andie, I had just injured my shin. Injured as in "took a chunk of flesh out and left blood dripping". Thinking nothing of it, I saw the mess only when I got home. It was amusing as time went on and our relationship progressed to watch the healing process - first it scabbed, then the scab left. Next there was sensitive new skin around the sides of the hole left in my shin. Now the surrounding skin is almost back to normal, but a small depression remains. Probably that mark will always be there.

In a similar way, although I have put our relationship behind me, there are effects that will linger, not all unwelcome. I learned a lot through our relationship (much of which I will try to share, given enough time) about myself and how I relate to other people. Also, now I appear hooked on Stargate (SG-1 is better, but Atlantis is OK too), and my tastes in music have been broadened. Although listening to the Beatles will probably always remind me of Andie, I will continue to enjoy groups such as the Moody Blues, Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers, CCR, ELO, the Allman Brothers, and Jackson Browne. It is a part of me now, just as my preexisting musical tastes.

Some lingering marks are not so pleasant. I thank God for growing restraint into my life. While the girl I marry will not be my first girlfriend, I have still saved my first "real" kiss for her. I was privileged to be able to share a lot of my previous and present life experiences with Andie, and she probably knows me better than almost anyone else, but I will also be privileged to catch up my wife-to-be with all the awesome ways that God has worked in my life.

One of the neat aspects of my relationship with Andie was that we were able to share a lot of everyday things that would have otherwise cut into our time together, such as homework or the various other school-related drudgeries. Now I am reminded of Andie when I do these same tasks by myself. However, as time goes on, the pain will dull and disappear (a process already well-begun), and maybe one day I can share these things with the girl destined to be by my side for the rest of our lives.

This is not the end of the story. It may be a while, as my full-time job is taking quite a bit of my time, but I will strive to catch up. Until then, my friends.

Return to Blog Goodness

This post is short, but it should help fill in some gaps.

After about 5 1/2 months together, my girlfriend and I parted ways. There were several reasons why, some of which I'm still figuring out. Being once again in an unfamiliar situation (having never dated before necessitates never having broken up before), I'm taking some time around my other life commitments to sort through stuff. As usual, thinking on a keyboard helps me organize my thoughts better, doubts about public disclosure notwithstanding.

I apologize beforehand because I know that these posts may leave some holes. It's mostly because my thoughts leave some holes, too. :-) I'll do my best, though.

As for a reason for the large gap, I didn't blog very much when Andie and I were going out because I found that people bored of hearing about "Andie this" and "Andie that", so I stopped talking about it.

I can't say that Andie will drop out of all my posts like magic. Just as a stone dropped in a pond disappears but leaves ripples, so she is gone from my life but left ripples. Now it's just a matter of watching the reflection patterns...both meanings acceptable.

Hang on - it'll be a ride.