2012 In Review

Today is December 31st, 2012. It's worth at least a few minutes to ponder the last twelve months.

At the end of 2011, I'd pretty much put my life back together again after picking myself up from a mess.  I'd just started to "walk" again socially.  "Learning to walk again/I believe I've waited long enough", the Foo Fighters spoke to my life.  It had been a year of rebuilding.

Tonight I sit in a hotel room with my family, halfway across the country from home - not how I figured I'd end my year.  Last year, I was tired of my year, retiring to bed at 10 PM.  That way, I could be done with my dramatic year and start the new year afresh.  Apparently I got what I wanted.  This year, I'm content in myself and my life.  I've had a year of great experiences and memories that I wouldn't trade away.

2012 has been good to me.  New friends, old friends, new experiences, revisiting things I used to enjoy.  I've rekindled friendships and let some drift away.  I've found time for competitive shooting again and introduced some of my friends to the sport.  I've gone swing dancing a few times, then found a social niche there and pursued it heavily. Road trips, late nights, parties, late movies.  All these have been part of my year this year.

Rather than "learning to walk again", I've moved on with my life and grown further.  There have been times of running down life's paths in 2012 and even moments of flying (without too much crashing).  God has been very good to me.  I can't wait to see what will be new and exciting for 2013.

Life is good.

God is better.

Happy New Year.

Christmas

As I was listening to the radio the other night, the hosts were discussing their respective Christmas shopping tasks.  One mentioned that "due to money matters", he was voting to postpone Christmas for a few weeks.  Of course, this prompted the rejoinder of "Yeah, I vote to postpone it too!  Until at least 2015!"  Of course, what was really intended was that he wanted to postpone the gift-giving part of Christmas.   Personally, I admit that I was close to postponing all of Christmas this year too, even having the opportunity to postpone gift-giving until New Years' if I chose .  Work kept me atypically busy right up until the 21st, leaving no time for planning, shopping, or much else.

Once my workload fell off a cliff, I compensated by spending a day and a half with absolutely no commitments and nothing but margin.  Only then did I move from "maximal efficiency-focused decision-making mode" to "relaxed enjoying-life mode".  Somehow, I fit in time with all my friends before they left, all my shopping (OK, enough of my shopping), serving at kids ministry, and a church service before leaving town to spend time with my family.

Having additional time margin allowed me to do some thinking as I ran errands, bought gifts, and re-stocked my fridge.  For example, I noticed myself postponing "traditional" activities like the overwhelming commercialization of Christmas in exchange things I actually wanted to do like spend time with people I value.  I suppose this is a natural effect as I come closer to being who I am - restructuring my life to act more according to my prioritization of quality time over gifts, for example.  This is a good thing, I think.

Still, I pondered.  It continues to be odd to me how people live for what's not important rather than focusing on what is.  Christmas decorations, probably not that important; unless it feeds something that actually is important like spending time with family.  In and of itself, is a "traditional" Christmas dinner super important?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  One of my friends often complains of going to Christmas Eve church with his family - why is that important?  Does Jesus love him less if he doesn't go?  I don't see that in the Bible. 

Even my Christmas was kind of odd.  For the last few years, I've served multiple services at Christmas and Easter, intending to attend church alone yet somehow ending up with friends.  This year, I only signed up for one service, leaving me margin to stay for more if required.  Though I was willing to stay longer, my staff worker sent me home, which I was pretty content with.  Kids ministry is fun, but it's not my life.  As I wandered over towards the auditorium, it became evident that this Christmas service, I'd be "alone in a crowd".  A usual feeling, but a little odd for Christmas.  One service serving,  one service worshipping sitting alone in the four thousand seat auditorium, another hour spent talking to my friends on church staff, and I was home.  Seemed to be far faster than previous Christmases and less stressful at the same time

It's OK, though.  My life is good.  Spending half a day drinking coffee and picking apart the shortcomings of the world with friends.  Staying up way too late with other friends.  Watching (and making fun of) movies with my family.  Trying out a new CD of swing music with my little sister at my parents' house, avoiding burns from the wood stove.  Waking up at 11 AM and wandering about town just to watch people.  These are the moments defining my Christmas, not shopping, returning, and re-gifting.  I'm all right with my choices.  I think they're quite OK.

These moments are what Christmas is about.  This is also what Christmas is about. (That writer often words thoughts similar to mine, but much better.)

Did you spend your Christmas on things that mattered or on things others told you that mattered?

Do I spend the rest of my life on stuff that matters?  That's a big question.

Moving, "No", and "One"

My life for the last couple weeks has been about moving.

Moving furniture to support my continuing home renovation.
"Moving pieces" as I continue to define and refine goals in my life.
Moving targets as circumstances and schedules change beyond my control.
Moving myself, as I've been doing a notably-increased amount of dance as I expand my own boundaries and our team pushes to finish a routine.
I even moved desks at work to support a minor re-organization.  You know, just to add a little extra chaos.

At work, I've seen myself spend more time than usual in the anechoic chambers.  Firstly, my work has been centered there.  Secondly, neither the chamber itself or the control room is a place people will immediately look for me for "urgent" (usually trivial) needs.  Lastly, however, in the actual chamber, even if I'm being clamored at, the sound is deadened just a bit, providing some small respite from the continual aural and emotional onslaught of the last few weeks.

I'm tired of moving.  I want to sit still if only for a day.  I can tell that my life is slowly becoming more unbalanced.  Like sand trickling through an hourglass, the occurrences of life both everyday and unusual are building up.  Work fatigue, long days and short nights, it all adds up.  This weekend was intended as a re-balancing time and partly successful, but only partly.  Chaos must be traded off against tranquility and soon or my performance and personal satisfaction will start to suffer.

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In the meantime, my life has become defined by a few simple mantras.  Small kernels of truth, these sentiments seem to keep my life together.

The "No's":
- No Shortcuts.  Anything other than the right path leads to destruction.  Anything promising a shortcut is "off the right path"
- No Regrets.  Live so that I can live with yourself every night and not have to make any more amends.  Amends are hard.
- No Re-Runs.  Life is short and every moment precious.  Enjoy it while it's here.  Enjoy it because it'll be gone forever after this. 

The "Ones":
- One Day.  You can't change yesterday, you can't fix tomorrow.  Live in this day.
- One Decision.  "It's hard to steer a parked car" - my father.  Sometimes the avalanche of decisions is overwhelming.  I can't decide them all.  But I can decide one thing and sometimes making the right decision isn't as important as making a decision.
- One Step.  "When you're going through hell, keep going!"  I can't always see the end, but I can shuffle just a bit.  The best way to succeed is to start, then just to keep on.  So far, I've survived.  Reckon I can take a few more steps.

And so my world turns, one revolution after another.  I can't complain, but I can't say it's exactly my dream either...

Faithfulness

"You are faithful
You never turn or change
Jesus, You are faithful to the end

You are faithful
Jesus, You are faithful to the end"
-Matt Redman, "Through It All"

Pastor Jesse taught at Shift a few weeks ago as part of our progressive series on the Fruit of the Spirit. His message was on faithfulness. Faithfulness is an interesting concept that Jesse illustrated from the book of Daniel. Not the fiery furnace as I might have expected, but rather the very beginning part, where Daniel and his friends are first taken to Babylon. Not only were they taken from their families, their lives, and their homeland, even their names were taken away. Rather than the names their parents had given them, names that extolled the one true God, they were given names that meant things like "God hates me" and "God has abandoned me."

Even in such depressing circumstances, though, they remained faithful. If you remember, they were told to partake in a diet that was likely against God's commands. Away from all that was familiar, reminded of their despair every time someone called their name, in a circumstance where nobody would have faulted them for such a small compromise, they still chose to hold to their values. This is faithfulness.

One of our discussion questions asked if we doubted God's faithfulness. Though I've seen some dark things in my life and sometimes wondered where God was, I really don't doubt. Even in the darkest parts of life, God has always been there to rescue me and redeem the evil for good.

No, it's not God's faithfulness that I doubt. Rather it's my own that's constantly in question. Faithful? Sometimes. Sometimes I'm cognizant of God's path for my feet. Occasionally, I even recognize it early enough to ensure my feet stay on it. It seems that far more frequently, though, I'm off meandering around in some meadow somewhere rather than following the path. Either the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, I can't see the fence, or mostly I'm probably just not paying attention. Whatever the justification, "faithfulness" probably isn't one of the dominant characteristics of my life.

Jesse further showed that faithfulness is rewarded with influence. Not only did Daniel and his friends look better after a trial period of their desired diet,the king then elevated them to a high position. A position higher than all the other young men in the same "leadership track". I've seen parts of this truth in my life, so I don't dispute it. I do try my best (at least I think I do), but if the best I can do is still not super faithful, then what? I don't think that I seek influence as a defining goal of my life, but will I forever be the wishy-washy follower?

Weird.  Thought-provoking

As if to add insult to injury, that weekend Pastor Jim was preaching about the first disciples. He was talking about how they were probably much younger than we think probably high school sophomores. And there's a reason the Bible didn't say Jesus took students. Students want to know what the teacher knows. Disciples want to be who the rabbi is. Even Jim said he didn't know anyone who actually was striving to be who Jesus was. For a while I was really disappointed, because I couldn't think of any way I was trying to be like a homeless Jewish person who loved everyone and wandered the countryside telling people about God.  I'm not faithful in much. Now in my late 20's, I don't feel I've done much with my life, and don't look much like Jesus.

Jesse started with a verse from Ezekiel about God looking for even one person who would be faithful and not finding anyway.

"I looked for someone among them who would build up the wall and stand before me in the gap on behalf of the land so I would not have to destroy it, but I found no one." -Ezekiel 22:30, NIV

Although sounding much the opposite, this is an encouraging verse because it means that God's willing to work with the unfaithful. He's willing to start wherever you are.  That's good, because "where I am" often doesn't have much to say for itself.

What are you faithful to in your life?