My Will

“It's my will, I'm not moving
'Cause if it's Your will, then nothing can shake me"

- dc Talk, “My Will”

“My rifle, without me is useless. Without my rifle, I am useless. I must fire my rifle true. I must shoot straighter than my enemy who is trying to kill me. I must shoot him before he shoots me. I will....”


My rifle and myself know that what counts in this war is not the rounds we fire, the noise of our burst, nor the smoke we make. We know that it is the hits that count. We will hit...


My rifle is human, even as I, because it is my life. Thus, I will learn it as a brother. I will learn its weakness, its strength, its parts, its accessories, its sights and its barrel. I will ever guard it against the ravages of weather and damage. I will keep my rifle clean and ready, even as I am clean and ready. We will become part of each other. We will...”
- Part of the USMC Rifleman's Creed

You know, that dangling “I will” always bothered me. There's lots of “I will” statements in that creed, but the incomplete ones always niggled at the back of my mind. I will what?

But this is not a post about the military, or even about rifles.

I've been playing with “I will” statements lately. What will I? “I will follow Jesus” is a good start. “I will go to work this morning” - also a worthy sentiment. But these are short-term immediate “tactical” goals. What about long-term strategic aims?

Appleseed has provided a target to focus some of my passion as of late – I will spend my time instructing others on basic marksmanship and the high tradition they carry as Americans. Appleseed is very focused on mission – there's a list of “we will” and “we will not”. This has served them well as they have accomplished their goal of doubling almost every year for the last six years. Thousands and thousands of people have been the subject of Appleseed's “we will teach this and only this” methodology to seeming success.

What else will I? After the end of my relationship with Mary, I promised myself that I would grow and that I would move on. “I will grow from this experience.” “I will not be stuck here for the rest of my life.” I will...

Pastor Jay used to teach on what he called self-protective vows. These were when you were hurt and promised yourself something that you thought would keep you from getting hurt again. If your father was an alcoholic and made your childhood a living...something, maybe you'd promise “I'll never drink” or “I'll never be an alcoholic.” This seems good, but instead you tether yourself to that point. How far have you come in your life? Well, you're not an alcoholic, so that's all that matters. Or worse, in your efforts to escape it, you become the very thing you were seeking to avoid. In my life, this has taken other forms. After Andie, I think I established to myself that dating would never be worth it. Not a healthy way to live, so I eventually had to dig that one up and leave it behind. After Mary, there was a set of ideas I wanted to make into “I will always” and “I will never”, but I think I've avoided all the harmful ones. The aforementioned “I will grow...” seems benign and even helpful. We'll see how that one turns out.

Sometimes in my more (lucid? imaginative? delusional?) moments, I ponder my self and my reactions to external stimuli. Proverbs says “as iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens his friend.” Sometimes my will is like a blade – it meant to cut through things and push towards a destination, towards the other side. Sometimes it's sharp, sometimes it's dull. Every cook or chef knows that knives have to be sharp to achieve their task. A sharp tool is a useful tool; a dull tool is dangerous and likely to harm its user or surroundings.

When you sharpen a knife, you have to be sure to work both sides of the blade evenly in order to form a symmetric edge that is durable and long-lasting. Sometimes a thin, jagged burr is formed right along the knife edge called a “wire burr”. This wire burr appears sharp, but if used, will quickly fold over and leave your knife dull and useless. Similarly, sometimes my will is focused and assertive and I feel that I'll be able to push through anything. Other times, although it appears sharp, it's really just thin and fragile; any use will break it and I will not achieve any progress in my life. If “I will...”, how much am I dedicated to that and how durable of a purpose/edge is it? Is it something that will easily be turned by a rock in the way, or will it go the distance?

How do I structure my life to reduce the fragile, fickle “will” moments and create more of the solid sharp ones?

Step 3 of the 12-step Celebrate Recovery program reads “We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God.” Herein lies the way to purpose and point my will down a right and sustainable path. If I let God direct my will, than I am far more likely to be able to follow through and not destroy myself in the process.

That's hard though. I have to let God sharpen me, even if it's longer than I think it should be. If I think my life is sharp enough, it may be true or it may be that false sharp wire burr that will fragment if pushed. If I wait until He says “Good,” the odds are much better.

I guess it all goes back to faith - “knowing that God is who he says he is and trusting that he'll do everything he's promised to do.” I guess it goes back to knowing who God is and his will so that I can sit in that place. And that's not easy. In the end though, having a durable “edge” that's sharp and useful has to be worth it. Just as a knife needs its edge kept up at periodic intervals, so I must work on my faith on a regular basis.

Then the “I will...” statements become a lot like God's “I will...” statements and I have to worry less about what to pick to stake my life on.

So what will I? I guess for now, I will trust God. I will walk in the path he's set before me, and I will trust that His timing and plan are actually what's best for me.

I will...