Expectation

I can feel the nervous energy inside. It roils and swells, crashing in waves against the edges of my mind. It's past the time a prudent man would be settling down, yet it feels like I'm just starting to wind up. I go about my night's business with a flair and an undeniable energy that's unnecessary to the task at hand. Words and illustrations, philosophies and faces all swirl about my head, begging to be organized and kept straight, but only the whole makes sense. Laundry doesn't demand back-talk and sass, yet my excess enthusiasm will have to go somewhere.

I know tonight will be a night of restless sleep and equal parts anticipation and dread for the alarm clock across the room. Tomorrow, I go before a spectrum of faces; some familiar and some new. These are my peers and also those who will determine my near future. Though slated to make my case for almost an hour, I know I will have to be both concise and incisive to fit the words into the twenty or thirty minutes I will be afforded. It's a nearly impossible task, yet failure is not an option. I must advocate that which I have worked so hard for, because if I don't, who will?

Tonight should be a night for calm and preparation, yet it will be a night of butterflies and worry. I know that if I can corral the uncertainty, the rush, it will fuel my conviction and confidence, and all will be swept before me. If I let it overcome me, it will be left to others ill-suited to pick me up and keep our team in sight of the goal. The dark waves ebb and flow, looking for a channel to escape.

Tomorrow, I shall meticulously prepare my appearance such that I make a good first impression. Everyone knows you only get one. Slacks and a button-down, while a noticeable change from my routine, will help focus my mind and corral the energy as well as portray “having it together” and professionalism. That strange establishment symbolized by the woman with the oddly-waving hair and outstretched arms will purvey that which will heighten my alertness in a feeble attempt to rally enthusiasm and assertiveness no matter the hour of day.

By midafternoon, all will be over, leaving only post-event analysis, inferences, and decisions on the path forward. I'm eager to be done so I can get on with my weekend, yet I'm excited for my chance to shine.

I can't wait and yet my time draws so very close. Expectation kills, I suppose.

(My readers, I apologize. I've worked over 90 hours in the past 10 days for a big push including a presentation to some “big fish” in my little pond. Too many long days has left no time for writing, although I have a couple ideas started. The long weekend should provide more opportunities to make up ground.)