Chains

“It's been so long/I can't remember when
I first put on these chains I'm wearing/or how it all began
I used to dream/I would dream of living life so free
But I've been locked down for so so long/these chains are a part of me”

- “Broken Chainz”, Kingsonz

A few weeks ago, I wrote on “the power of words”. By attending Shift, I've become aware of how just being aware of something can change its affect on your life or your reaction to its stimulus in your life. One of the ideas expressed in the Foursquare church I visited was the simple power of the spoken word to break patterns and habits. It makes some sense, but that one guy who talks to himself in the mirror every day seems a little over the top. And James 3 notwithstanding, I'm not always sure that merely saying stuff changes life in a meaningful way.

Several years ago at a Joe White campus outreach, I was given a single chain link. More than five years later, I can't remember the sentiment intended to be anchored to that object, but I've carried it on my keychain since. I think it was something like “giving your will over to Jesus as a slave and following Him singlemindedly” or something. A good sentiment, I suppose. Sometime in the last month or so, manipulation of my keychain swiped the link off into my jacket pocket, evading my notice for a couple weeks.

And I don't want to let them go
They're the only way of life that I really know
I know there's something more but this is comfortable
And even though there's pain, it's predictable
I just don't know what I will do
Without these chains, how will I make it through?

Chains...I've felt locked up in my life for a while. Sometimes past mistakes haunt me, with voices in my head belittling my worth. Sometimes it's my own thoughts casting dismal visions of my future. Whatever it is, it feels like my life is held down by heavy weights sometimes.

I want to be set free & walk out in the Son
I want to take these shackles off my feet so I can run
But I'm so afraid of the unknown that is to come

I have some friends who have been associated with AA. One well-known characteristic of AA is the “sobriety chips” given out for increasing durations of sobriety. Recovering alcoholics often carry their most recent chip with them to remind them of their new way of life and their vulnerability to old temptations. Hold that thought (tangible reminder of spiritual condition) for a moment.

Over the last six months, I've been pointedly and purposefully working through stuff in my life. While I don't have a “duration of sobriety” to give me a metric of progress, the indicators I've been watching in my life definitively show that all the hard work has been worthwhile and effective. As part of my journey, I completed a “Step Study”, which focused on each of the 12 steps, giving room for discussion and methods for implementation. The study was long, starting in late summer and finishing just before Christmas. The last night, as a measure of our progress, our leader had us write down things we no longer wanted and burn them in the parking lot. Fire is great and cathartic and all that. As we kicked ashes of dead things into a snowbank and turned to leave, our leader stopped each of us, dropped something into our hand, then walked on.

Turning the object over in my fingers, I found it to be a bronze circle, with the simple word “Celebrate” on one side and the phrase “Living Life Centered On 12 Steps” on the reverse. It's my very own chip! You know, for such a simple object previously below my awareness, I'm really proud of that silly little thing. It goes with me almost everywhere in my pocket, and occasionally finds its way into my hands when they're bored.

Why do I carry it? Because it reminds me. My chains are gone. All the baggage, the guilt, the expectations, they're not mine to carry. I shed all that stuff. At least, a big part of it. I'm not chained to my past, my old patterns, or my old results. Through prayer and lots of hard work, the heavy stuff is gone. It doesn't weigh me down any more and I can walk as a free man. I am who I am today, and can walk tall and in confidence of that fact.

Some days, I manually index my keyring and miss the chain link. Then the solid metal “clunk” of my Shift chip reminds me that I don't need the chains, I have my actual life. I'm free of my old stuff and can go on to live my life the way it was intended to be, not the way my past tried to lock me into. The old darkness is familiar and well-worn, but just doesn't fit who I am any more.

But some days it feels like it was all a dream,
'Cause I can still hear my chains calling out for me,
And sometimes it feels like I'm wandering,
And I start to long for the dark again,
And I doubt & distrust your promises,
But you're always right there with me,
And when I fall you pick me back up again

I love this song. I think I've listened to it twice a day (on average) since the week before Christmas. It's totally outside my usual musical style, but the words describe my life uncannily well. Check out these men (from my church) and their story:

BROKEN CHAINZ- LIVE AT FLATIRONS COMMUNITY CHURCH
(song starts at 3:50)

Chains vs. Change: Icons of paradigms in my life, past and future