Climb

“Step by step
I've come closer to reaching the top
Every step must be placed so that I don't fall off
Looking down to see about how much higher I am

Oh, pulling myself up by rope, I better my view
Oh, the only thing in sight is what I must do
As I turned, I could see myself falling, falling, falling
Which in return gave me strength for the climb”
- No Doubt, “The Climb”

I understand the theory of rock climbing, but have never attempted the practice. The theory of climbing goes something like this: you climb for a ways, then set an anchor. Then start climbing again. In this way, even if you fall, you can only fall as far as it is to your last anchor plus the amount of rope between it and you. Of course, it takes time to set an anchor, time where you aren't climbing.

In that way and others, church, small group, and Shift have become my anchor point. Once a week, I go to church, ponder the week gone by, count “wins and wishes”, recalibrate to who I am and whose I am, then move on to the next week.

When I started writing this, it had been 4 weeks since my regularly-scheduled Sunday morning of kids ministry, 3 weeks since I'd been to Shift, and 2 weeks since I had been to church at all. (Flatirons closes between Christmas and New Years to allow the staff and volunteers time with their family and friends; a nice gesture.)

Over that time, it was as if I climbed without an anchor. Far and fast, but without a recent anchor and with a long way for a potential fall. God brought me up a great mountain over the last half of 2011, teaching me more than I imagined about life and following Him. Christmas Break unexpectedly became a time to test my wings and practice what I had learned.

I learned some stuff last year. I've learned about being an adult. I've learned that it's OK for someone to show up for me, and that generally that person generally should be me. I should show up for me, otherwise, most likely nobody will.

I had planned to take a couple weeks off of work to relax and reset over the holidays, as well as to accomplish a long list of to-dos. Instead, it was a time of checking progress in my life, a time of seeing where I was on the mountain.

Christmas break was time for being with my family as an adult, expressing my own life instead of being a child again. As I grow with God and become more emotionally and spiritually healthy, I start to see the cracks in those around me and in some cases, how my life situation has made me what I am today.

It was time for meeting new people, being authentic to myself, and pushing past my before-conventional limits. There's been lots of talking with God and walking further and further out on a ledge. I feel like Indiana Jones in The Last Crusade, stepping out over a chasm. Except I'm throwing handfuls and handfuls of gravel to see where the edges of the part are. Time will tell where the other end of my invisible bridge is, but I know that God won't let me fall and has lots for me to learn along the way.

Then it was work. Last year was a rough year at work, with me being pushed father and farther into a corner. By the time I took off , I was really tired of the whole situation. My ugly project canceled over Christmas break, which was bittersweet. At one side, my waking nightmare was over, but also a year of my life appeared to be for naught. After going back, the first day promised to be almost like the last year – stuck with impossible tasks and super high expectations. Previously, Kenton would have sighed, shrugged, and resigned himself to another season of grueling punishment. This time, though, I came out swinging. In the idiom of Shift, the only three options for events in your life are “accept”, “change”, or “eliminate”. Rather than accept, I chose to push back. Only I can show up for me, so I decide to show up in force.

I decided to push back. I started putting words together in my head and went to search out my mentor for advice on how to strongly suggest organizational changes to the program. As soon as I purposed this, I was told that my mentor was looking for me. Turns out, as I was framing my phrasing to ask how to fix “my” program, my mentor was inquiring if I minded working a program I'd been promised months ago (which I wanted), rather than the one I was about to be stuck with. Let me think about that one, “No, no objection”.

It's interesting how when I had purposed to show some assertiveness towards something that “didn't fit”, I saw how God had already prepared a way out.

The night before I went back to work, I visited my old church for a worship night. You know, I think my next batch of inventory/taking ownership/making amends will be regarding my tenure there. I was in a time of being super sarcastic at God and impatiently waiting for His answers. (See above mention of yelling at God.) Sitting in the back, letting the words and music pass over me, and talking to God was exactly what I needed. I didn't get the answers I wanted, but I walked away in a much more contented mood, knowing that God would indeed take care of me and “...do everything He'd ever promised.” (There's that Flatirons phrase again)

Afterwards, I was approached by people who used to know me and repeatedly asked “So, are you back?” or “[aren't you glad] you came back to visit us?”, etc. Honestly, nope. I came because I was invited by friends and it was a place to spend time with God. Previously, I might have just gone along with the leading questions, but this day, that wouldn't have been honest to who I am. Instead, I decided to respond honestly and without embellishment; “Nope, not visiting and not coming back. Just here for a couple hours because my friends invited me. Actually, this is my second-string plans, but it'll work OK.” Apparently my former friends weren't used to that, as they almost physically recoiled at the bluntness of my words. I was pleased with my answers, though, and I wasn't asked any more obnoxiously leading questions.

The weekend promised to be a busy one, with Shift, small group, church, then children's ministry. Of course this had to be the week that our staff worker added a speaking part for the tech workers and felt like she had to send out directions early because she thought it might be difficult. Hey, I serve in A/V to be the quiet introvert at the back of the room, but I guess trusting God also means trusting those He leads me to follow. As another ministry worker put it, “It's your acting debut! Aren't you excited?” Sure, whatever. Being the slightly perfectionist engineer, I felt that I had to go to church an additional time to figure out the directions, adding yet more to my weekend. Along the way, I figured I could project across 100 kids, which I probably can. However, projecting over 100 kids is a different story. Oops. Ah well, the kids didn't know any better and the teacher was pleased so once again, I “won” at something outside of my comfort zone.

At the end of the weekend, how did I feel? Like I had set my new anchor at the apogee of God's growth in me to date. An anchor much higher than my previous one and just as solid. Our icebreaker question for children's ministry that week regarded our New Year's resolutions. Resolutions always seem a bit of a setup for failure – I am who I am, and saying that I'll change doesn't necessarily guarantee that in any way or form. I do have a New Year's goal, though, which summed up all my feelings:

“I knew where I have been and where God has put me now. My goal for the next year is to accept nothing less than God's very best for me. My goal is not to forget who I've become and never go back to who I used to be.”

Climbing? Yes. Anchored in God's love and plan? Yes. Backing down? Never.

“Although many failed, I must now prevail with no questions
Have no time to stop, onward to the top of the mountain
And I, I can't turn back now, it's so very high, I can't turn back now
If I keep it up, I'm gonna make it, I'm so very close, can't you see?

So high the climb
Can't turn back now
Must keep on climbing up to the clouds
I'm getting closer”
(No Doubt, con't)