I Blame Flatirons

I bought Halloween candy last week for the first time in my life. It doesn't mean I'm going to answer the door for trick-and-treaters (I won't because I don't care) or that I'm going partying (boring). So what do I need 10 lbs of candy for? Church. I blame Flatirons for the pile of candy in my grocery basket last week.

Like seemingly every other church, Flatirons is having a “Fall Fest” the weekend before Halloween. Besides requesting the customary volunteers, they also asked everyone to bring candy, providing collection boxes in the church lobby. Now I don't care about Halloween, but I do care that kids get a chance to bump into Jesus just like adults. I care that children get a chance to learn that God loves them and doesn't hate them. Besides, I have a Sam's Club card – leverage what you have, right?

As I start looking through my life, I keep finding little “plot twists” that I can blame on Flatirons.

After serving for about 3 months, I've become contented and joyful in the ministry I've been placed in (Summit – Flatirons' children's ministry). Once again, I'm doing audio/video, but the title “tech team” sounds better. In my previous church, I often felt like tech people were expected to exist at the beck and call of those on stage. The worship team was a little better, but there was still a fundamental disconnect between mixing desk and band. Here I feel like part of a team with the teacher, working together to bring kids closer to Jesus. Of course, having a smaller room doesn't hurt – instead of shouting to be heard on stage, merely speaking has the same effect.

It's kids ministry, even, which continues to amuse/puzzle me. To me, that's always one of those ministries that you're “called to” and the other sane people find other ministries. Lest you wonder, I am not called to kids min. Turns out they need tech people too, though, and I can do that half-asleep. Some weeks I do indeed do it half-asleep, at least until my coffee takes effect. As background, I got volunteered for youth group at the Vineyard a few years ago. That was OK but not a good long-term fit for me, so I stepped down after six months. In contrast, I plan on sticking with “my” room of second and third graders for the foreseeable future. I'm content to serve and excited for each of my scheduled weeks.

Then I realize that these plot twists are not totally Flatirons' fault. In reality, it's God working in me over the time I spend there and I'm just noticing what's already true.

Like when I took my friend shooting last week. It was her second time ever shooting a firearm and her first time shooting a handgun. I did remember to impart some basic instruction points (Thank you Appleseed) but it was hard to describe how to shoot from “first principles” and zero previous experience rather than “you just do it”. I showed her how to shoot, let her participate for a while, then traded off. After all, one purpose of each and every range trip is to maintain my own skills. Exposing others to the sport is a very fortunate byproduct. When it was my turn, I picked up either the pistol or rifle, picked a target spot, and, without thinking, executed “inhale-exhale-pause-press” (rifle) or “grip-stance-front sight-press-recoil” (handgun). Later, I was replaying my shooting in my head and realized that somehow all the necessary movements came from “muscle memory”, flowing like second nature. Looking at the target, almost without exception, neat holes appeared in pairs or in groups just as I intended.

When did I ingrain all those habits so deeply? When did I get to be that good of a shot? I don't know, it just happened. Like me growing in my walk with God. When and how did I become a different man than even just six months ago? “Just happened”, I guess. I can't complain, though. Was it practice, like how my shooting improves? Maybe. Who knows? I'll settle for being thankful and continuing to press into the changes in my life. All of them. (For lo, shooting is both enjoyable and doth restore my sanity)

If I had pondered my future six months ago, I would not have foreseen myself as content as I am in the circumstances I am in. Yet here I am, and my life is good. At the beginning of the year, I had my own image of what the autumn should look like. Of course, my life looks nothing like that. However, it really is true – God's plans are better than mine and I prefer His now that I see it.

God, through Flatirons, is finishing the work that my former girlfriend started. That, however, is a good story for another day.

My Will

“It's my will, I'm not moving
'Cause if it's Your will, then nothing can shake me"

- dc Talk, “My Will”

“My rifle, without me is useless. Without my rifle, I am useless. I must fire my rifle true. I must shoot straighter than my enemy who is trying to kill me. I must shoot him before he shoots me. I will....”


My rifle and myself know that what counts in this war is not the rounds we fire, the noise of our burst, nor the smoke we make. We know that it is the hits that count. We will hit...


My rifle is human, even as I, because it is my life. Thus, I will learn it as a brother. I will learn its weakness, its strength, its parts, its accessories, its sights and its barrel. I will ever guard it against the ravages of weather and damage. I will keep my rifle clean and ready, even as I am clean and ready. We will become part of each other. We will...”
- Part of the USMC Rifleman's Creed

You know, that dangling “I will” always bothered me. There's lots of “I will” statements in that creed, but the incomplete ones always niggled at the back of my mind. I will what?

But this is not a post about the military, or even about rifles.

I've been playing with “I will” statements lately. What will I? “I will follow Jesus” is a good start. “I will go to work this morning” - also a worthy sentiment. But these are short-term immediate “tactical” goals. What about long-term strategic aims?

Appleseed has provided a target to focus some of my passion as of late – I will spend my time instructing others on basic marksmanship and the high tradition they carry as Americans. Appleseed is very focused on mission – there's a list of “we will” and “we will not”. This has served them well as they have accomplished their goal of doubling almost every year for the last six years. Thousands and thousands of people have been the subject of Appleseed's “we will teach this and only this” methodology to seeming success.

What else will I? After the end of my relationship with Mary, I promised myself that I would grow and that I would move on. “I will grow from this experience.” “I will not be stuck here for the rest of my life.” I will...

Pastor Jay used to teach on what he called self-protective vows. These were when you were hurt and promised yourself something that you thought would keep you from getting hurt again. If your father was an alcoholic and made your childhood a living...something, maybe you'd promise “I'll never drink” or “I'll never be an alcoholic.” This seems good, but instead you tether yourself to that point. How far have you come in your life? Well, you're not an alcoholic, so that's all that matters. Or worse, in your efforts to escape it, you become the very thing you were seeking to avoid. In my life, this has taken other forms. After Andie, I think I established to myself that dating would never be worth it. Not a healthy way to live, so I eventually had to dig that one up and leave it behind. After Mary, there was a set of ideas I wanted to make into “I will always” and “I will never”, but I think I've avoided all the harmful ones. The aforementioned “I will grow...” seems benign and even helpful. We'll see how that one turns out.

Sometimes in my more (lucid? imaginative? delusional?) moments, I ponder my self and my reactions to external stimuli. Proverbs says “as iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens his friend.” Sometimes my will is like a blade – it meant to cut through things and push towards a destination, towards the other side. Sometimes it's sharp, sometimes it's dull. Every cook or chef knows that knives have to be sharp to achieve their task. A sharp tool is a useful tool; a dull tool is dangerous and likely to harm its user or surroundings.

When you sharpen a knife, you have to be sure to work both sides of the blade evenly in order to form a symmetric edge that is durable and long-lasting. Sometimes a thin, jagged burr is formed right along the knife edge called a “wire burr”. This wire burr appears sharp, but if used, will quickly fold over and leave your knife dull and useless. Similarly, sometimes my will is focused and assertive and I feel that I'll be able to push through anything. Other times, although it appears sharp, it's really just thin and fragile; any use will break it and I will not achieve any progress in my life. If “I will...”, how much am I dedicated to that and how durable of a purpose/edge is it? Is it something that will easily be turned by a rock in the way, or will it go the distance?

How do I structure my life to reduce the fragile, fickle “will” moments and create more of the solid sharp ones?

Step 3 of the 12-step Celebrate Recovery program reads “We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God.” Herein lies the way to purpose and point my will down a right and sustainable path. If I let God direct my will, than I am far more likely to be able to follow through and not destroy myself in the process.

That's hard though. I have to let God sharpen me, even if it's longer than I think it should be. If I think my life is sharp enough, it may be true or it may be that false sharp wire burr that will fragment if pushed. If I wait until He says “Good,” the odds are much better.

I guess it all goes back to faith - “knowing that God is who he says he is and trusting that he'll do everything he's promised to do.” I guess it goes back to knowing who God is and his will so that I can sit in that place. And that's not easy. In the end though, having a durable “edge” that's sharp and useful has to be worth it. Just as a knife needs its edge kept up at periodic intervals, so I must work on my faith on a regular basis.

Then the “I will...” statements become a lot like God's “I will...” statements and I have to worry less about what to pick to stake my life on.

So what will I? I guess for now, I will trust God. I will walk in the path he's set before me, and I will trust that His timing and plan are actually what's best for me.

I will...

Empty Dance Floor

The band is tuning up as the occasional discordant note and gentle cymbal crash wander through the air. The lights are down, but the floor is still empty. The polished, level wood waits expectantly for the shuffling, stepping feet. Around the perimeter, there is contented murmuring and milling as the attendees cluster together, disperse, and reform. It's as if the empty space is offering an invitation, but nobody is listening. It's almost time for the dance to start...

As usual, I'm looking for a “follow”. The initial resistance is the greatest, right? There's nothing to asking but to ask, yet I drag my feet.

My usual downfall was obtaining a follow. Occasionally I'd take the easy way out by bringing my own, but usually I'd have to find the nerve to ask a young lady to dance with me. Meeting everyone helped me ask a friend rather than a stranger, but asking the first time was still hard. Once I was on the floor once, I would be good for the rest of the night. I'd never lack a partner for every dance I didn't sit out. Getting started remained the hurdle to clear.

Anticipation kills, yet is exciting in its own way.

We were all talking about swing, right? Man, I miss swing. I think it's been over a year since I've been dancing.

I guess I do need to go again. I might have to set aside some Friday or Sunday night, demarcating it as “going out”. We'll see...

"I'm learning to walk again/I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?
I'm learning to talk again/Can't you see I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?"
-Foo Fighters, “Walk” (though our worship team's cover was better)

(I'm pretty sure I was talking about swing...)

Taking Stock

“We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves”
-Step 4, Celebrate Recovery (and similar)

In the aftermath of my ended relationship earlier this year, I decided to attend Shift, Flatirons' version of Celebrate Recovery. I wanted a method to deal with the brokenness thereby introduced, and it's grown into digging all kinds of stuff up. Tonight, I realized that I've been at Shift for almost 6 months.

For the past 6 weeks, I've been in a study that deals in depth with each of the 12 steps used by AA, CODA, CR and many other programs. (Hence the occasional blog post spun off one Step or another) It's been an eye-opening experience. The depths of my life that I've been led to bring to light have been incredibly daunting, yet having it broken down into small pieces and conquering each piece beside other men has made it seem much more doable.

We've spent the last two or three weeks assembling our “moral inventories” - lists starting with people we've hurt, people who've hurt us, and sometimes “I hurt myself” moments, then continuing into what hurt happened, why it happened, and what part of it I own. Sometimes I own all of it, sometimes none of it. The exercise is cathartic and depressing all at the same time. Seeing the words on paper (or on the computer screen in my case) seems to take away the power that the hurt has held over me. Itemizing and analyzing the “bad spots” in my life takes some time and poring back through the cowpies isn't on my all-time fun list. Side note: apparently my spell check doesn't approve of “cowpies”. Cowpie isn't OK either. Apparently it's a city slicker spell check. But I digress.

"Searching and fearless" - now there's some intense words. I wasn't sure I wanted to examine my life with such intensity, but a half-hearted effort would not yield any useful results. Intense it is, I guess.

As I wrote, there started to be a couple underlying themes. One of these was how, in every case, I was thankful that a situation didn't degrade further or how God saved me from a bad situation. The theme was continued in a conversation before Step Study last week with an acquaintance from a previous church. She asked how I had been, and I tried to summarize the changes in my life over the last year and a half or so. At an overall survey level, my life is far different now than a year ago. I:

• broke up with Mary
• faced a lot of ugliness because of that
• found a ministry to fix my stuff
• found a ministry in which to serve
• integrated myself into a (Vineyard) small group until it ended
• considered starting my own small group
• found a (Flatirons) small group I felt accepted in
• met a bunch of interesting people through small groups, Shift, and children's ministry
• began a step study to dig out more of my crud
• found the Appleseed program
• made Appleseed a noticeable part of my life (at least one weekend/month now)
• recovered from my breakup and got back on my emotional/relational feet
  

and the list just goes on and on.

On my way home from the church, I continued the path we had started down in small group. The last question of the moral inventory is “Do I see God working in the events of my life?” Even through the “ugly”, my answer has to be unquestionably “Yes!” In the bad parts, in the good parts, it's all been God.

As just one example, my post-breakup recovery cycle shortened dramatically this time. Last time, I was in a depression for almost a year. This time, less weeks than fingers on one hand. Last time, it took me almost two years to re-understand myself and my emotional boundaries. This time, it was closer to 3 months. Herein lies a milestone of personal growth.

Lately, work has been hard. Really hard. We're under schedule, budget, and technical pressure. I'm finding that some people don't handle pressure well and their unredeemed side is showing. Every day seems to be a new fight, putting out new “fires”, and trying to do the best by those for whom I'm responsible. Every day is a battle, and I usually get home completely worn out. I guess that's what they pay me for, though, and there is a scheduled date where the workload is supposed to rapidly abate. Supposedly we only have 5-6 weeks left of this very special situation, but I doubt the veracity of that statement.

You know, even with all that going on, I'm really OK with where I'm at. Not merely glumly accepting, but joyful. I realize that God is working in me every day, just a little bit at a time, and that's OK.

I'm not with Mary any more, even though we both thought we'd spend the rest of our lives together, but I'm happy about that – it's worked out better for the change. That'd be an easy statement if I could follow it with “and besides, I met someone who has made everything right in my life.” It would also be a falsehood, as I'm single. Said fantasy person hasn't showed up and I'm still plugging away in my own life with my own two feet, one at a time. But you know what? I'm OK with that too. Life with only me and God has turned out better than I figured it would be. I know, I don't have much faith sometimes. Jesus loves me anyway, so get over it.

The turbulence of the last several months has subsided into a quiet yet deep trust that God will take care of me. Difficult work, unsure times in our culture/world, no time to consider where ministry will take me at church; all doesn't matter because my life is definitely acceptable, I have no complaints, and God's got my back.

I'm even thinking of changing my FB picture. I've owned the diffraction pattern since junior year, with only short breaks. It was something I had done with my own two hands, my own creation if you will. Instead, I'm looking to change to one showing something like a dicot, showing new growth. (Go Google it) That roughly describes how I feel – new leaves are showing in my life, but I still feel a little fragile.




“My dead heart now is beating
My deepest stains now clean
Your breath fills up my lungs
Now I'm free, now I'm free

Sin has lost it's power
Death has lost it's sting
From the grave You've risen
Victoriously

Into marvelous light I'm running
Out of darkness, out of shame
By the cross You are the truth
You are the life, You are the way”

- “Marvelous Light”, Charlie Hall

Goodbye, Friend (or, Elegy)

The time has come to move on with my life. You’ve been a great friend and we’ve been through a lot together.

Near as I can figure, you’ve gotten me through 2 girlfriends, 2 college degrees, 2 1/2 churches, and 82,000 miles. We’ve taken many many trips to Windsor, Colorado Springs, Boulder, and around. Even to the other side of the state (Grand Junction) a few times and up into the mountains way more than I ever believed you’d go. We've been over or within spitting distance of two of the state's borders – neither of us had any reason to visit Nebraska or Kansas. There have been lots of sunny days but also a few days where I had no business being on the roads. You always took good care of me, though. I’m really sorry for the missing paint – totally my fault. Oh yeah, and the wheelwell left on the roadside – I totally didn’t see that rock. My bad. Someday, someone really should get you a new headlight – that packing tape has got to be annoying after a couple years. Innumerable friends have been given rides, in the spirit of those who have given me rides when I needed them. Hopefully you continue that in your new home.

Sadly, our friendship has been degrading as of late. You seem to require more and more attention, and my life just isn’t structured for that. I think you need to be friends with someone who can dote on you a little more. However, I’m sure I will miss you, especially on sketchy two-track dirt roads where a “car” doesn’t really belong.

Godspeed and stuff.

(On top of Monarch Pass, 2007)