Who I Am

And we break and we burn
And we turn it inside out
To take it back to the start
And through the rise and falling apart
We discover who we are
- Lifehouse, "Who We Are"

Over the last year and a half, I've spent some time working on the "stuff" of my life.  One goal of that time has been coming to a better sense of who I am.  Not who I'm told to be or what the world wants to make me into, but who I am and who I am created to be.  On a scale of zero to amazeballs, I'd say I'm pretty sure of myself now and I'm actually a pretty big fan of myself, which was not necessarily true before.

I've noticed that once "who I am" is sorted out, it also sorts out the areas outside my boundaries ("who I'm not") and the areas inside my boundaries but outside my comfort zone ("who I'm not but can pretend to be for a short time").  Because I am confident in who I'm made to be, these different territories can be completely justified as "personal preference" and "who I believe myself to be."  As intrinsic properties, these can't effectively be argued or discredited.  Score!  One more way of deflecting projections others would wrongly impose on me.

At dance practice a week or two ago, a team member was asked if he'd be willing to risk some kind of new experience.  (Exactly what, I don't remember because it's unimportant)  He noncommittally shrugged and said "Yeah, sure."  The questioner agreed, "Yes, you do seem like a 'yes' kind of guy."  I smiled inside, because I know me and I'm often a "No" person.  Knowing where my fences are and being willing to say no to opportunities outside them means that I'm free to immerse myself fully in my commitments.  Sometimes having boundaries means being a "No" person, and that's perfectly acceptable.

Last summer, I set a new ongoing life goal: "To always live out of the abundance of who I am, knowing that 'who I am' is a state that improves as God steadily works on my life".  Unfortunately, no sooner had I purposed such than I learned that this doesn't necessarily work in the real world.  First of all, if you choose to live fully as yourself, vulnerable and everything, you are quickly reminded that not everyone is "safe" to be vulnerable with.  Many are but some are not, and, having learned to "be myself", I again quickly learned to throw down (healthy!) boundaries and respond noncommittally to those around whom complete openness wasn't healthy.

Instead of Lifehouse, life is more like a slightly different band:

"You can't quit until you try
You can't live until you die
You can't learn to tell the truth
Until you learn to lie"
- Sixx AM, "Life is Beautiful"

"You can't tell the truth until you learn to lie".  I don't think Jesus would have said that, but there might be some truth in it.  I've learned to ignore, deflect, or dismiss conversations that would intrude too far into my core.  The behavior is like something I would have done before, but instead of squirming because I feel like I'm being cut open, it feels like sidestepping the stinky cowpie.  Maybe that's my old brokenness coming back, but it feels much more like healthy mature growth.

As I heal my brokenness, the brokenness of others becomes more evident.  Sometimes that's a manifestation of "if all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail", but sometimes it's legitimate - being whole and living in freedom offers a constant and distinct reminder that not everyone enjoys that benefit.  At times, I'm not sure if it's my wholeness contrasting with the brokenness or if I've swung too far towards what Ze Frank calls "being myself all over other people" where I act "me" regardless of the impact on others.  Nevertheless, being part of a minority with stiff and conservative boundaries creates many "opportunities for growth."

Instead of me being me, recently there's been a felt pressure to be someone other than me.  We've covered this already and the answer is NO!  I'm going to be who I am, not some imagined thing.  I've spent effort and time and discontentment to fix me and I'm not about to throw it away because someone else "thinks it'll be fun."  In the sense of an artist or author using lies to tell the truth, I'm willing to slightly distort my portrayal of myself, but it has to be slight and seldom.  I'm proud of the person I am and don't feel like hiding it.

Currently, I'm mentally tooling up for another discussion of personal-space boundaries.  For the second time in only a few weeks, I find myself pointing out the line in the sand dividing where I'm willing to step and "...that's too far."  I precipitated the last discussion by being proactive, redirecting a trend headed towards annoyingville and destination: Soul-Draining Town.  By standing up for myself in a kind but unequivocal manner, we reached a mutually satisfactory solution.  The upcoming disagreement should comparatively be a "nothing" as it's a strong personal preference rather than a moral boundary.   Further, I'm disagreeing with a statement starting with "I recommend..." Recommendations aren't mandatory and the one given is outside my personal boundaries.  As established above, boundaries from personal preferences are still intrinsic values and hard for others to dispute.

Still, I find my position consolidating and my countenance hardening as I start to dig my heels in inside my head.  I'm hoping this is a nonevent, but preparing for it to be otherwise.  Being me is freeing, but continually repelling boarders becomes frustrating.  No free rent in my head, for sure. 

"Be who you are and say what you feel
because those who mind don't matter
and those who matter don't mind."
- Dr. Seuss

As a contrast, one of my church friends posted the following, describing people who truly care.  This is how my closest friends treat me and an ideal against which to hold up people I want to let into my life in the future.

"Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly, your wholeness when you are broken, your innocence when you feel guilty, and your purpose when you are confused."

What a better way to live than the litany of "Why won't you...?" and "It wouldn't hurt you to..."!

Perform

Many years ago, I was reading a book about Cold War submarine history.  I assume most people have heard of the USS Nautilus, the first nuclear-powered submarine, also setting many records for undersea travel.  Also prominent in popular culture, of course, is Clancy's Hunt for Red October, a story of intrigue and sneaky-ness and "thingsh that do not react well to bulletsh".  All that's well and great and makes for good drama, but doesn't talk about the day-to-day grind of cat and mouse that the Soviets and Americans played.

It wasn't always a fair game, though.  The Nautilus was the first nuke sub in the world, able to travel submerged for long distances and exhibiting technology that far outstripped the Soviets at the time.  Even as the US and the Russians invented and incorporated technological improvements, the Soviets were behind for a long time.  (at least, the way my book read.)  One of the chief figures of merit of a submarine is its sound output - the closer to silent it operates, the easier it can evade detection.  Many improvements to subs are to make them quieter. 

In true Cold War political tradition, the Soviets felt the need to show opposition to America's supremacy undersea even though their submarines were quite inferior.  Some may even have still been diesel-powered (an outdated and poorer technology), but all were substantially louder than their adversaries.

The passage that always stuck with me from the book described this situation and the determination shown therein:

"Knowing they were inferior, the Soviets patrolled anyway.  Clanking and clunking past the American boats, they doggedly continued on towards the US coast." 

[Memory may have edited the words slightly for me.]

Hold on to that idea of "continuing anyway."

A couple weeks ago, I was at a local swing dance venue for some "social dancing", also known as "dancing outside the highly structured environment of the team practice."  It was enjoyable and enlightening, but also challenging.  In between dances, I was watching the other dancers, comparing myself to them and also to my own perceptions of past self.  (I know, shades of the "ladder system" that I've forsaken.)  I am noticeably better than I used to be, although I'd hope so after 4 months of weekly lessons.  I'm even better than a few of the other "regular customers", which boosted my confidence.  As always, though, there were several leads that were far and away better than my current state.  I'm used to that.  What I'm not used to, though, was the mixed feelings of accomplishment and disappointment.  Why disappointed? 

For a project a couple months ago, I put a big paper on the wall and listed out all the swing moves I knew, those I'd been exposed to and needed to practice, and those I had yet to learn.  As I learn more, moves get transferred from "Learn" to "Practice" then to "Known".  When I got home from the social dance, I looked at the "Known" list and realized that I'd led maybe half of it.  These aren't risky moves or "maybe if I'm feeling good" stuff, these are simple bread-and-butter lindy hop and charleston steps.  Why didn't I lead more of it?  Was I too nervous, too distracted, just too stupid?  I have no idea.  At least I found the root of my disappointment.

I was discussing this phenomenon with a more experienced dance team member and was complaining that I didn't "get it" and I didn't understand why I couldn't lead up to my ability level.  He responded, "No, you don't get it and you won't get it.  You didn't do your best.  You'll probably never lead to your max ability.  But you do it anyway and you try.  Maybe pick two moves that you make sure to lead every dance for one night."   You do it anyway and try your best.  Hang on to that too.  (sounds familiar, doesn't it?)

Tonight, I perform with DSP for the first time.  I'm a bit nervous, not gonna lie, but I'm going to do it anyway.  A couple weeks ago, we took turns critiquing every couple's rendition of the routine.  One of my critiques was to emphasize "performance qualities, even in interesting parts" which means "look like you know what you're doing and that it's easy, even if it's not".  The routine has to be "sold" and I'm the one who has to do the selling.  Although I'm pretty solid on the routine, I know there are subtleties and flourishes that I won't get.  However, I have to constantly maintain the "happy carefree face" and pretend it's all according to plan.

It's like Pastor Jay used to say - it's easier to act your way into feeling than to feel your way into acting.  I'll act like I may or may not feel because the converse will not be acceptable. 

So I will walk onto stage and stand, ready for the routine, shoulders back, left hand held high with my partners', shoulders back.  And I smile because I know I own this.  And sure enough, I will.  My part of the routine may show rough spots and bad footwork and lack of stylization, but gosh darn it, I will own it and pretend that I am rocking it, even if I don't.

Continue anyway.  Do it anyway and try your best.  In that, the pretend will become real.

Actualization is the power of determination.

Naturally and Freely

"So all came to pass, just as it was foretold and lo, all that came before had both been required and had taken place in perfect timing.  No task had been started too early or too late, but were right when they needed to be."

- The Apparent Prophecy of Kenton's Life

At lunch with today, my friend commented on the value of accomplishing tasks in a "natural and free" manner, rather than forcing anything outside of its proper time.  "Naturally and freely, not forced" - I propose this as a corollary or extension of my previously life lesson of  "don't think, just dance."  Excessive conscious focus when I dance makes my movements appear unnatural and often too subdued.  Worrying too much about the feet or the arms etc. makes the dance forced and less smooth.  Recognizing my body's natural motion (either for rotation or counterbody for linear movement) both makes the dance look better and makes leading easier.  This begs the question - how does "natural and free" look like in my life?

Lately, I think I've seen a pattern - if God prompts, do it, even if the timing seems odd.  At the time, the prompt may seem odd and have no immediate impact, but in time, all will mature. 

In an unrelated email conversation this week, I stated a personal goal as "to live my life from who I see myself to be."  The more I embrace this, the easier life gets.  Living as myself is easier than living as someone not myself.  Be the best self I can be. (Ze Frank would say "Make yours a good self.")  Granted, this only makes sense if you know yourself, but if that can be accomplished, life's horizons open wide.  Part of this has to be living myself as I am and as God is forming and changing me to be.

What's holding you back from living as you believe yourself to be, naturally and unforced?

One Hundred

A hundred entries! I must say, when I started this blog several years ago, I had no vision of where my life or my blog would be this far down the road. Such a significant milestone requires some sort of recognition.

I thought about doing a "Top 10" list, then counting down: top 9, top 8, etc. but 55 items in 10 different categories was too many to think of. Next I thought of doing factors or prime factors of 100. Wolfram Alpha tells me that there are nine divisors of 100: 100, 50, 25, 20, 10, 5, 4, 2, and 1. The lists numbering 20 or more were too daunting. Instead, let's treat 100 as 10^2, then we'll do factors of 10: 10, 5, 2, and 1. Since we can square 10 to get to 100, I'll even do the "10" list twice. Sound like a fair trade?  Good, I thought so too.

10 Great Albums Recently Prominent In My Life

• Queensryche, Operation Mindcrime: Probably one of the best Queensryche albums ever. Sweet guitar work, if nothing else.  And there's much else
• Nightwish, Imaginaerum: The previous effort "Dark Passion Play" was OK, but Imaginaerum definitely showed the band hitting their stride with Anette on vocals.
• Metallica, Ride the Lightning: Ah, an album from back when bands did albums as coherent wholes rather than a bunch of songs clumped by chronological proximity
• Within Temptation, The Unforgiving:  Although not the customary Within Temptation style, this album is coherent, compelling, and a spooky story besides. Good stuff.
• Eric Geils Band, Picture of A Thousand Faces: Simple, elegant rock-n-roll
• Black Stone Cherry, Folklore and Superstition: Southern rock'n'roll.  Can't fault it, especially when containing bits of "real life truth".  At least, that's what I pick out.
• Roger Waters, Amused to Death: Although not Floyd, it's definitely evocative of good Floyd.
• Pink Floyd, The Division Bell: I find the album wistful, reminiscent of better days while mourning today's sadness. I like it!
• Dream Theater, 12 Step Suite: As one who's walked that path (story for another time), I identify with a lot of the sentiments expressed therein. Also, "Ermahgerd! Derm Therter!"
• Anais Mitchell, Hadestown: Like Ride The Lightning, a complete album, just this time a story album with folk music. Mythology, music, talent, what's not to like.

10 Great Movies and Associated Philosophical Concepts

1. Unbreakable: Every life has a vision and a mission. Find yours.
2. Shutter Island: Your perception becomes your reality. Maybe not everyone else's, but yours enough to lock you in.
3. Black Hawk Down: Never give up. Always perform your duty.
4. Gladiator (over Braveheart - Wallace wavers in his conviction/lacks personal moral character): Do what's right, always. You may "lose", but to lose your honor is to lose all.
5. The Adjustment Bureau: Never stop fighting for what you believe is right. Eventually the world will stop to take notice and bend to your will.
6. Matrix: Don't accept the world at face value, but be willing to change it. "Some rules can be bent. Others broken."
7. Mr. Deeds: Yep, the world will work you over whenever it gets a chance. However, sometimes doing what's right will help you in the end.
8. Princess Bride: "As you wish..."
9. The Village: "The world moves for love" (Yeah, I know, I double-dipped Shyamalan. Get over it.)
10. Inkheart: Your words have power, although through some people more than others.  Use your power wisely.

Runner-up:  The Glass Menagerie is one of my favorite plays and I have it on DVD, but "theatre on video" is a whole new category that I didn't want to consider.

5 Experiences Without Which My Life Wouldn't Be The Same

1. Flight School. Although my career took a different path, I've taken the life lessons learned there along with me.
2. Dating. I'm glad both women I've dated are out of my life, but I wouldn't be the same now without those interactions.  I wouldn't have it any other way.
3. Tough Mudder. Not sure if I'll go back for seconds, but the experience of taking my body and mind right to their limits was priceless and irreplaceable.
4. Swing dance, full stop. Time has not yet revealed the complete extent of the effects in my life from this one pursuit.
5. Inter-Varsity Christian Fellowship and Campus Crusade.  Across two schools and many periods of growth in my life, I wouldn't trade either the time spent with people chasing after God or all the challenges I've faced and overcome, encouraged by my brothers and sisters in Christ.  Good times, bad times, it all works out when your arms are locked with others.  These two organizations laid foundation stones in my life that still underpin who I am and what I live for.

2 Places Everyone Should Experience

A. Summiting a 14'er.  Although the photograph in question has been lost to time, one poignant image remains in my head.  I was with some friends and new friends on top of Mt. Bierstadt a few summers ago, eating and resting before starting down.  Looking over, I noticed one of our group members silhouetted against the sheer faces of the next mountain over.  Earbuds in, hands raised, she was completely lost in her worship experience.  I still hold that in my head because it reminds me of who God is and how He made big mountains and complex people and all sorts of things.
B. The ocean.  I've only been to the seashore a few times as an adult (recently only the Pacific), but I've enjoyed it always.  Constantly changing on a "micro" scale, yet always the same on a "macro" scale, it's an idiom of life.  The ocean also reminds me that I am small and the world is big.  Sometimes I get an inflated sense of self-importance (like most people), and it's OK to realize again that I'm not everything and don't have to live up to being the be-all end-all of life.

One Idea I Wish Everyone Understood

That God loves them, doesn't hate them, and wishes the very best for them.  I think it would change everyone's life if they fully understood that.  I know I don't fully understand that yet, and the better I understand, the more my life comes into line with how God says it should be.  For this idea, I will give my life and for it I will always fight.

On to the next 100 standing stones along my path of constant learning!  Thanks for journeying with me - life is better not lived alone.

Introvert

Collected thoughts on introversion:

A healthy introvert shares willingly, not compulsively.  Sometimes not intuitively, but nevertheless honestly and with integrity.

I notice more and more conversations where I listen and ponder for a long time, then speak for a short statement.  I've been known to attention-fish just a bit on that part to make sure that my words are heard.  I feel that if I'm putting in the effort to say a few words, it's probably because I think they're important.  It's not just to hear myself speak.


I'm not shy, just quiet by choice most of the time.  "It's the quiet ones you have to watch."