Waiting

“So am I still waiting
For this world to stop hating
Can't find a good reason
Can't find hope to believe in”
-Sum 41, “Still Waiting”

“The waiting is the hardest part
Every day you see one more card
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part”
-Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers, “The Waiting”

God and I have been talking about waiting lately. The pace at work has occasionally visited “hurry up and wait”, so I wait for work to calm down. Often, I need some answers at work, so I wait for people to answer my questions or I'm waiting to pin them down to ask questions. Someone asked if I liked the Friday night church service and I said I did but was waiting to see what God was doing in me. I know that God still has stuff to do in me, but I feel like I'm waiting for Him to point it out. Life is about waiting.

Songs are about waiting. I quoted a couple that I've had stuck in my head this week, but there are others. No Doubt didn't quite make the cut this time, sorry.

Proverbs 13:12 says “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But desire fulfilled is a tree of life.” (NASB) “A pot watched never boils” is a common saying – waiting and watching only winds you up more. We all know the value of delayed gratification and how needing something now can harm or even destroy your life.

Life is about waiting.

In some parts of my walk with God, I'm waiting because I have no option. God has parked me in a place and said “Stay and learn.” OK, so maybe the “and learn” part is implied.

In other parts of my life, I'm choosing purposely to wait. Like the children in the study, I believe that if I wait long enough, instead of the one marshmallow I occasionally see, God will give me two.

You know, the funny part is what if I didn't hear God when he said “Here, I brought this for you” and I wait and it goes stale? Whose fault would that be? No, I'm pretty sure I'm not ignoring God but sometimes I wonder if I'm listening as well as I should be.

Maybe, like Krissi says, impatience should be a virtue. Matthew 11:12 says “And from the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffereth violence, and the violent take it by force.” (KJV) Sometimes you really do have to “meet God halfway”. Maybe you should rise up and grab what God hath given thee with both hands.

Deciding what I have to wait for, what I should wait for, and what I should lay hold on is a nontrivial endeavor. One teaching that helps is something I got from some book long ago about something entirely different: Set rules up ahead of time, then sort according to those rules. It's similar to the philosophy of GTD (Getting Things Done): form a system, then process everything according to that system. Already in the last two months, “having a system” redirected my path from an unhealthy road at least once. Even though that system is still very much in flux.

I was talking to God tonight about waiting and being frustrated. He pointed out that I had the wrong perspective. Pretend that life is an uphill journey. Not uphill like “there's never an end”, but uphill like “you're constantly climbing to a better place than where you've been”. I keep thinking of my life as following God one step at a time. Sometimes I stop and rest between steps, and that's OK. Then, however, I take another step and expect it to be the one onto the escalator that eases my burden while bringing me closer to God. God says that's not the way it's supposed to go. Instead, it's more like hiking a 14er. You take one step, then another, then a dozen more. If you look towards the summit, it looks forever far away. When you look back, though, you see just how much higher you are than the last time you stopped to catch your breath.

Though I can't see the summit of my life, God's “overall plan” for me, God wants me to be OK with that. I can't count the number of steps left to go until I “arrive” (whatever that means), but that isn't supposed to matter. What I can do is turn around and look back and see the change in my life. I may not be the man God intends me to be someday but I'm sure not the man I used to be. And that is a change for the better, no matter how you measure it.

What do you think? What's worth waiting for in life?

Missing

“There's something in the air
And you don't know what it is
You see someone through the window
Who you've just learned to miss
And the road leads on to glory but
You've used up your last wish
Your last wish”
- Roger Waters, “Three Wishes”

“There was a boy who had the faith to move a mountain
And like a child he would believe without a reason
Without a trace he disappeared into the void and
I've been searching for that missing person

He used to want to try to walk the straight and narrow
He had a fire and he could feel it in the marrow
It's been a long time and I haven't seen him lately, though
I've been searching for that missing person”
- Michael W. Smith, “Missing Person”

“Your soul has a curious shape because it is a hollow made to fit a particular swelling in the infinite contours of the divine substance, a key to unlock one of the doors in the house with many mansions.”
- “The Problem of Pain”, C.S. Lewis

I've been missing something in my life.

At first, I thought I was missing a someone.

Then it generalized into a role, an archetype that I missed.

Then it was “missing something I've never had in my life”, which was confusing as anything.

Lastly, I've settled for “missing something that I never knew I wanted”. I blame God for this. I sure hope that it's because He's doing a deep work in my life and uncovering stuff that's either never been developed or been latent for a long time.

Today, I had a chance to see who I used to be. I saw what (or who) I used to let define me, and what I used to think I wanted most in my life. What I thought I was missing.

For a moment, the mud in the bottom of my life's pond swirled up to cloud the water. It settled just as quick, though, as I heard God speak in the quiet place in my heart. “You're my son, and spiritually you're a big person now. You know that I love you, and whatever you do, you're still mine. You can choose to step back into what you used to be, but I've made you the adult that can just step over the bumps and keep walking.”

So that's what I did.

Missing something? Yes. Do I know what? No. Am I a stronger person than I realized? Yes. Have I grown in God over the last months?

Undoubtedly.

Almost There, D-Checks, Refit, and Other Thoughts

Although I greatly like Lifehouse's song “Storm”, I want to reiterate that I wasn't talking about that kind of storm in my last entry. Although my life seems in a storm, it's not the “almost drowning” kind of storm, it's the “so thankful for rain” kind of storm. I'm really OK with it, even though it's occasionally turbulent. Have you ever stood at the window and just watched the lightning? Yeah, it's kind of like that.

My perception of my life continues to change. After the breakup, it seemed like a salvage operation was all that was possible in my life; picking up the few usable parts and leaving the wreckage. After a while, I wished for a restoration or refurbishment – to make the broken parts like new again. I don't really think life works that way. Time is unidirectional and there's never any going back. Therefore, I then hoped for a repair. I hoped that God could weld some patches over the holes and that my life would become “serviceable” again.

Tuesday on my run, it became obvious that God is instead in the process of a re-fit. I'm more familiar with the term applied to naval ships. After a while, ships are brought into dry-dock and gone over. Broken things are fixed and accumulated wear remedied. Also, though, new equipment is installed. Maybe a weapons system had been improved while it was on its journey, or a solution found to a systematic problem. Overall, the key phrase that God spoke to me was “new capability”, that He was working to do a new work in my life rather than rewinding the clock of my life.

My church recently moved to a new building, simultaneously beginning a new sermon series. The new building was understandably a significant change, with double the seating, altered service times, and rearranged facilities. Jim's new series was called “So Far, So Good” and highlighted the progress of the church and the grave importance of “keeping the main things the main things” as we move forward. The next six weeks covered major theological holdings of Flatirons and how each applied to our life.

The first sermon focused on Peter walking on the water. Everybody gets on Peter's case. “All he had to do was focus on Jesus. Duh! Anyone smarter than the average bear could do that.” But think about it. In the entire history of the world, how many people have walked on water? Two. Jesus and Peter. Yeah, Peter's faith wasn't perfect, but whose is? Peter DID have the faith to get out of the boat and walk to Jesus. Do you think Jesus was sad that Peter started sinking? Jim postulated that Jesus may have been happy that Peter trusted Him enough just to try.

There are parallels to my ended dating relationship. Initially, all I saw was the water closing over my head after the boat left. “Jesus, why am I drowning? Why is my 'relationship lake' always stormy?” However, that's not the whole truth. If all I focus on was “woulda coulda shoulda”, or worse, someone else's “woulda coulda shoulda”, then I'll have missed the point. The point is that Jesus is happy for the experience I had and what I learned through it. He's sad that I was hurt but happy that I would even reach out. It's not about “dumb so-and-so did thus-and-such”, it's about “Oh man, you almost made it. Next time you'll make it for sure.” Jim offered the analogy of a little kid learning to ride their bike. The parent puts their hand on the seat to get them started, then lets them go. The kid does OK for a while, then spills on the ground. Does the parent say “Stupid kid, just ride better next time!”? Of course not. They pick the kid up, brush them off, and say “That was so much farther than last time! Next time you'll get even farther!” Just my thinking. Not “Darn, another failure”, but “Almost there! Keep trying!”

For the record, I'm not convinced that the next girl I date in my life is “the one I'll marry.” I think that's a big pile of expectations to hand somebody and an unhealthy way to consider entering any big-R Relationship. I'm not saying “is”, I'm not saying “isn't”. I'm saying I'm following God, walking with one hand in His, and listening to His opinion.

When I was an aviation student, we learned that airlines handled maintenance on what's termed a “progressive” schedule. Tasks were separated based on required frequency into A- through D-checks. A-checks might be nightly to weekly, checking fluid levels, tire pressures and such minor things. D-checks were major overhauls, taking the airplane almost down to the bare body and inspecting and/or repairing many items.

God has been digging pretty deep in my life as of late, deeper than just the remains of my relationship with Mary. It's been a bit of a puzzle to figure out why the depth of my healing is greater than the hurt I had felt. This isn't an A-check time in my life; at least I hope not because the process hurt a lot at the beginning. I hope I'm not to go through this very often. Yet, this doesn't seem like a D-check, bare-bones rebuilding of my life either. I've been through that before, and that was different.

My theory is that someone has to hit rock bottom in their life or close thereto to trigger a “D-check rebuild”. Step 1 in AA, Celebrate Recovery, or any similar program is

“We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable”.


At that point, it's pretty reasonable to look for something bigger than yourself to pull you out, which means deep-seated changes. While my life is hurt and I'm seeking God in an effort to fix it, I don't see myself as having hit rock bottom. As I mentioned, I've seen that and been there in my life. It wasn't pretty, but I'm not that man any more. Even in the dark points of my current journey, I've retained more faith and general well-being.

Instead, this feels like a C-check/dry-dock refit. Significant work, but not from a stripped-bare frame of a life.

Dry dock was an interesting metaphor to explore further. Ships aren't made to sit in a metal box. They're made to sail the world! God told me “I didn't make you for this. I didn't make you to sit in your hurt and 'heal' forever. I made you for great and amazing things and I'll get you there. You're just not ready yet.” I keep wanting to hurry God, urging Him to point me in the direction my life should go once again. He gently repeats to me, “Wait, child, wait. All things in good time.” And He's right and I know it, but I still bridle sometimes. “How long, God?” and such.

If this entry seems incomplete, it's because it is. The entry is incomplete like the work in my life is incomplete. I have some ideas on where it goes next, and I'm holding those because they might work out well with some more time, thought, and energy. In the meantime, I know that God is leading me down the path that He intends for me to travel.

Thoughts, comments, questions? Has God rebuilt your life from the bottom up and what triggered that for you?

Storm

“But never have I been a blue calm sea
I have always been a storm”
- Fleetwood Mac, “Storm”

“I can feel it grow
Starting like a little storm
Itching in my toes
But it's will to take over
Ain't quite that small
I can feel it grow”
- Delain, “Control the Storm”

“For nowadays the world is lit by lightning!”
- “The Glass Menagerie”, Tom's closing monologue


God and I have been doing some talking lately. We've been talking about my life and where I'm supposed to head next. I've asked a lot of “why” questions and a lot of other questions, but now I'm trying to ask “what's next” and similar questions. God and I have also been talking through past sins and past brokenness. A recent teaching that I heard was to ask God if He really forgave me. Good theology says “of course He does”, but in my little-people mind, I've enjoyed hearing just how God has reassured me when I ask.

One time, the picture God gave me was that I was laying on a beach, feet to the water. The little waves coming from the ocean barely reached me. When I asked God if He forgave me, I saw a much larger wave come and wash over me from head to toe. Without thinking, I had merely the words of that great theologian Chris Cornell, “Drown me in you!” Only when God overwhelms me in who He is will I find who I am and where I should go.

A couple weeks ago, my friend Elisa asked on Facebook about chasing dreams or letting them go. “Do you scream 'Never retreat, never surrender' at the top of your lungs, or is there a time when it's just best to move on, give up, and find a new dream?” Does God give you dreams only to take them away? My philosophy as of late has been to find something God tells me to aim at, wrap both my hands in the mane of that idea and just hang on.

I went for a run last Monday under a dark and stormy sky. Even though it looked like rain, I decided to go anyway. As I ran, I was enjoying the combination of gathering gloom and sunset. I remember writing earlier that I wanted God to be like a candle – even illumination in the room of my life. Instead, God seems like lightning – everything is clear for a moment, then the room goes dark again. In the weather that night, God showed me what he wants to be like in my life right now: like a big storm with frequent lightning. I'm sure we've all seen those storms; the ones with so much lightning that you can see by it vividly. He wants to be the rain that washes away the dirt in my life and leaves me clean, albeit wet. He wants to be the wave that overpowers me.

The only remaining picture from my run was of a wall with cracks running across it. I heard God say “You've felt like My gifts and My goodness have been walled away from you. See the cracks? It's coming for you. You don't have to wait much longer”. The tide is coming in. Even in the intervening week, I've seen the water level rising in my life. God is asking me to give up areas in my life that are truly fruitless but that I hang onto in misguided hope. And not in that eye-rolling “trust me with this forever” way that He sometimes does, but nice steps that only require me to stretch a bit.

God is good.

I am loved.

“God is in the rain”
-V For Vendetta

“Jesus, all for Jesus,
All I am and have and ever hope to be.
Jesus, all for Jesus,
All I am and have and ever hope to be.

All of my ambitions, hopes and plans
I surrender these into Your hands.
All of my ambitions, hopes and plans
I surrender these into Your hands.

For it's only in Your will that I am free,
For it's only in Your will that I am free,
Jesus, all for Jesus,
All I am and have and ever hope to be.”