Storm
“But never have I been a blue calm sea
I have always been a storm”
- Fleetwood Mac, “Storm”
“I can feel it grow
Starting like a little storm
Itching in my toes
But it's will to take over
Ain't quite that small
I can feel it grow”
- Delain, “Control the Storm”
“For nowadays the world is lit by lightning!”
- “The Glass Menagerie”, Tom's closing monologue
God and I have been doing some talking lately. We've been talking about my life and where I'm supposed to head next. I've asked a lot of “why” questions and a lot of other questions, but now I'm trying to ask “what's next” and similar questions. God and I have also been talking through past sins and past brokenness. A recent teaching that I heard was to ask God if He really forgave me. Good theology says “of course He does”, but in my little-people mind, I've enjoyed hearing just how God has reassured me when I ask.
One time, the picture God gave me was that I was laying on a beach, feet to the water. The little waves coming from the ocean barely reached me. When I asked God if He forgave me, I saw a much larger wave come and wash over me from head to toe. Without thinking, I had merely the words of that great theologian Chris Cornell, “Drown me in you!” Only when God overwhelms me in who He is will I find who I am and where I should go.
A couple weeks ago, my friend Elisa asked on Facebook about chasing dreams or letting them go. “Do you scream 'Never retreat, never surrender' at the top of your lungs, or is there a time when it's just best to move on, give up, and find a new dream?” Does God give you dreams only to take them away? My philosophy as of late has been to find something God tells me to aim at, wrap both my hands in the mane of that idea and just hang on.
I went for a run last Monday under a dark and stormy sky. Even though it looked like rain, I decided to go anyway. As I ran, I was enjoying the combination of gathering gloom and sunset. I remember writing earlier that I wanted God to be like a candle – even illumination in the room of my life. Instead, God seems like lightning – everything is clear for a moment, then the room goes dark again. In the weather that night, God showed me what he wants to be like in my life right now: like a big storm with frequent lightning. I'm sure we've all seen those storms; the ones with so much lightning that you can see by it vividly. He wants to be the rain that washes away the dirt in my life and leaves me clean, albeit wet. He wants to be the wave that overpowers me.
The only remaining picture from my run was of a wall with cracks running across it. I heard God say “You've felt like My gifts and My goodness have been walled away from you. See the cracks? It's coming for you. You don't have to wait much longer”. The tide is coming in. Even in the intervening week, I've seen the water level rising in my life. God is asking me to give up areas in my life that are truly fruitless but that I hang onto in misguided hope. And not in that eye-rolling “trust me with this forever” way that He sometimes does, but nice steps that only require me to stretch a bit.
God is good.
I am loved.
“God is in the rain”
-V For Vendetta
“Jesus, all for Jesus,
All I am and have and ever hope to be.
Jesus, all for Jesus,
All I am and have and ever hope to be.
All of my ambitions, hopes and plans
I surrender these into Your hands.
All of my ambitions, hopes and plans
I surrender these into Your hands.
For it's only in Your will that I am free,
For it's only in Your will that I am free,
Jesus, all for Jesus,
All I am and have and ever hope to be.”
I have always been a storm”
- Fleetwood Mac, “Storm”
“I can feel it grow
Starting like a little storm
Itching in my toes
But it's will to take over
Ain't quite that small
I can feel it grow”
- Delain, “Control the Storm”
“For nowadays the world is lit by lightning!”
- “The Glass Menagerie”, Tom's closing monologue
God and I have been doing some talking lately. We've been talking about my life and where I'm supposed to head next. I've asked a lot of “why” questions and a lot of other questions, but now I'm trying to ask “what's next” and similar questions. God and I have also been talking through past sins and past brokenness. A recent teaching that I heard was to ask God if He really forgave me. Good theology says “of course He does”, but in my little-people mind, I've enjoyed hearing just how God has reassured me when I ask.
One time, the picture God gave me was that I was laying on a beach, feet to the water. The little waves coming from the ocean barely reached me. When I asked God if He forgave me, I saw a much larger wave come and wash over me from head to toe. Without thinking, I had merely the words of that great theologian Chris Cornell, “Drown me in you!” Only when God overwhelms me in who He is will I find who I am and where I should go.
A couple weeks ago, my friend Elisa asked on Facebook about chasing dreams or letting them go. “Do you scream 'Never retreat, never surrender' at the top of your lungs, or is there a time when it's just best to move on, give up, and find a new dream?” Does God give you dreams only to take them away? My philosophy as of late has been to find something God tells me to aim at, wrap both my hands in the mane of that idea and just hang on.
I went for a run last Monday under a dark and stormy sky. Even though it looked like rain, I decided to go anyway. As I ran, I was enjoying the combination of gathering gloom and sunset. I remember writing earlier that I wanted God to be like a candle – even illumination in the room of my life. Instead, God seems like lightning – everything is clear for a moment, then the room goes dark again. In the weather that night, God showed me what he wants to be like in my life right now: like a big storm with frequent lightning. I'm sure we've all seen those storms; the ones with so much lightning that you can see by it vividly. He wants to be the rain that washes away the dirt in my life and leaves me clean, albeit wet. He wants to be the wave that overpowers me.
The only remaining picture from my run was of a wall with cracks running across it. I heard God say “You've felt like My gifts and My goodness have been walled away from you. See the cracks? It's coming for you. You don't have to wait much longer”. The tide is coming in. Even in the intervening week, I've seen the water level rising in my life. God is asking me to give up areas in my life that are truly fruitless but that I hang onto in misguided hope. And not in that eye-rolling “trust me with this forever” way that He sometimes does, but nice steps that only require me to stretch a bit.
God is good.
I am loved.
“God is in the rain”
-V For Vendetta
“Jesus, all for Jesus,
All I am and have and ever hope to be.
Jesus, all for Jesus,
All I am and have and ever hope to be.
All of my ambitions, hopes and plans
I surrender these into Your hands.
All of my ambitions, hopes and plans
I surrender these into Your hands.
For it's only in Your will that I am free,
For it's only in Your will that I am free,
Jesus, all for Jesus,
All I am and have and ever hope to be.”
posted by The student of life at 10:53 PM
3 Comments:
My heart recognizes the feelings you describe and yearns for them.
Thank you for shedding a little light on something I barely knew was there. =)
Cool. Love this part, "My philosophy as of late has been to find something God tells me to aim at, wrap both my hands in the mane of that idea and just hang on."
Love the storm comparison too.:) Good stuff.
Good entry. The idea of forgiveness is still a continual struggle for me. Not only the "Does God really forgive me?" but also "Have I REALLY forgiven others"?
Yes, I also wish that life with God was an
even candle instead of a lightning storm.
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