Missing

“There's something in the air
And you don't know what it is
You see someone through the window
Who you've just learned to miss
And the road leads on to glory but
You've used up your last wish
Your last wish”
- Roger Waters, “Three Wishes”

“There was a boy who had the faith to move a mountain
And like a child he would believe without a reason
Without a trace he disappeared into the void and
I've been searching for that missing person

He used to want to try to walk the straight and narrow
He had a fire and he could feel it in the marrow
It's been a long time and I haven't seen him lately, though
I've been searching for that missing person”
- Michael W. Smith, “Missing Person”

“Your soul has a curious shape because it is a hollow made to fit a particular swelling in the infinite contours of the divine substance, a key to unlock one of the doors in the house with many mansions.”
- “The Problem of Pain”, C.S. Lewis

I've been missing something in my life.

At first, I thought I was missing a someone.

Then it generalized into a role, an archetype that I missed.

Then it was “missing something I've never had in my life”, which was confusing as anything.

Lastly, I've settled for “missing something that I never knew I wanted”. I blame God for this. I sure hope that it's because He's doing a deep work in my life and uncovering stuff that's either never been developed or been latent for a long time.

Today, I had a chance to see who I used to be. I saw what (or who) I used to let define me, and what I used to think I wanted most in my life. What I thought I was missing.

For a moment, the mud in the bottom of my life's pond swirled up to cloud the water. It settled just as quick, though, as I heard God speak in the quiet place in my heart. “You're my son, and spiritually you're a big person now. You know that I love you, and whatever you do, you're still mine. You can choose to step back into what you used to be, but I've made you the adult that can just step over the bumps and keep walking.”

So that's what I did.

Missing something? Yes. Do I know what? No. Am I a stronger person than I realized? Yes. Have I grown in God over the last months?

Undoubtedly.