525,600

Yep, half a million minutes have passed me by since that day. I thought that I'd collect some thoughts for the occasion. This one goes out to a figment of my imagination, a shadow of a memory from a previous life.

Did you hear the one about me giving a s***?
Cause if I ever did I don't remember it.
[...]
You can live just like a star.
I'll take my sanity, you take the blame.
I'm under it, over it all.

I've taken my life and my sanity, “taken my ball and went home” so to speak. You go play in your mess; it's yours to own and cherish now. I am “over it all” and don't give two piles of llama droppings.

Don't wanna be rude but I have to
Nothing's good about the hell you put me through
I just need to look around
See that life that has come unbound
[…]
Got to bring myself back from the dead

---

I want my innocence back
And if you can't give it to me
I will cut you down
And I will run you through
With the dagger you sharpened
On my body and soul
Before you slit me in two
And then devoured me whole

I want my innocence back
I want my innocence back
I want my innocence back

Yes, what happened was wrong. It was not God's best. People meant it for evil, just as the story of Joseph, but God indeed used it for good. I've asked God if I could have learned my lessons any other way, any easier way, but He said it was the only way. Still, some days, I'd rather have my innocence/naivete back rather than the cynicism that's replaced it.

I am free without you
It's times like these that make me see
How free I'm gonna be without you

This is the end of the hypocrisy
Gonna watch it burn

I'm better without you than I ever was with you. I'll be better by myself than I ever could have been with you. In fact, I already am. In all fairness, though, I was better beside you than I was at any previous time.

Occasionally, I wonder how I spent so long “moving on” and spent so much emotion and worry on it. God is so big that he lifted all the darkness off me in a moment, leaving me free to live. (OK, maybe a succession of moments) How did I lose so much time in the wonder of an apparent illusion?

Where is the wonder where's the awe
[…]
I wish to see
The lost in me

I want my tears back
I want my tears back now

I want my time back. I could use it better. I may have spent most of the last half-million minutes stuck in the past, but I plan to spend the next half-million doing interesting things and chasing God, not wondering if you'll get your poop in a group. Not worth wasting my life.

I've got roads to travel and things to do. No more wasted minutes.

(With thanks and apologies to Five Finger Death Punch, Emilie Autumn, Darling Thieves, Korn, and Nightwish)

P.S. Honestly, I feel I've forgiven all the hurt, no matter what it sounds like. God really has worked in my heart to dig out the roots of bitterness that were planted. So why the writing? Because there's nothing wrong with feeling feelings then letting them go. I've learned to let myself feel, analyze whether any action is required, then allow it to dissipate. In this case, it means to remember and feel, write, post then likely come back and delete because the catharsis has run its course.

So please, no emails/comments about what you think I should do or be. You'll be wasting your time.