I Blame Her: Speaking Ill Of The Dead

"There are no secrets at a funeral."

So said the testimony I was listening to as I drove home for Christmas this year. No secrets at a funeral. That's an interesting thought. One of the phrases I've heard occasionally has always been "Don't speak ill of the dead", usually used in the context of "Not to speak ill of the dead, but..."

Last year, I wrote on how my old relationship was dead and how I was finally ready to bury it and move on. When I started this series, I said that I would share "...without rancor and without venom, stories of my life." Now, I don't believe I have to look at my past through nostalgic, rose-colored glasses. To do so would hold me back in the past rather than growing into the future. I also don't believe in dragging myself or other people through the dirt. To err that way would be to sow bitterness into my life. As someone smart once said, "unforgiveness/bitterness is like holding fire and expecting someone else to get burned." Life is too short for that.

I do think there is some value in taking a plain look at facts, though. Step 4 of the 12 steps is to take a searching and fearless moral inventory of your life. It doesn't say "searching...inventory except for skipping the parts you don't like." Working as an engineer, I have to deal with reality. Sometimes at work, engineers and management can get caught up in an illusion based on incomplete information or optimistic thinking. While us "worker bees" can try to work to that illusion for a while, soon the seams start showing, the illusion cracks, and reality once again rears its ugly head. Dealing with reality is much more tenable.

My old relationship is the same way. I can't dissect it for what I learned if my memory is purposefully flawed or biased. If I don't deal with reality, my lessons and emotional/logical responses will be skewed. And to do so out of some kind of "respect for the dead" would be based on superstitious or avoiding behavior. There are no secrets at a funeral - with my relationship gone, it's time to look on it and speak on it honestly and openly. "As long is it doesn't harm others" also in the spirit of the 12 steps; the relationship may be dead but the people involved are still alive and don't deserve further harm (including me; I don't deserve further harm either.)

This is the spirit I'm writing in - factual but respectful.

"Do what you want to do
Just pretend happy end
Let me know let it show

Ending with letting go
Ending with letting go
Ending with letting go

Let's pretend happy end
Let's pretend happy end
Let's pretend happy end

Let's pretend happy end"
- Garbage, "You Look So Fine"

No, actually, let's not pretend. End with letting go, sure. But let's not pretend. Let's see it as it is, let's call it what it is.

Let's see reality so we can deal with the cards as they've been dealt.